Vacation

Gorgeous weather this week! Yay vacation! And yay, ankle almost healed. Went for a 5 mile walk along the river with my husband and dogs. Came home and just couldn't resist going outside for a bit of hooping. I've been working hard on twins. And put together a little bit of choreo with the single hoop. Yay hooping! (Yes, I've had a couple beers. Yay!)

This might look familiar. It's all moves and sequences I've been practicing.

Sprain

Merry Christmas! What did Santa bring me? A sprained ankle. On Saturday, I went with friends to a river trail, and I must've been talking, not paying attention, got too close to the edge of the paved trail, which is quite a step down into a steep hill of bush. I rolled my ankle out and fell on my bum. Online self-diagnosis, it's just a grade 1 sprain. It was goose-egg swollen for about a day, now it's just generally puffy in my ankle area. But tight, which makes walking difficult without a limp. I've been icing and taking ibuprofen and wrapping it and trying to elevate as much as I can. And staying off it. I'm pretty miserable. No skating, no hooping (the weather was gorgeous yesterday, and it went to waste), and not even my incline walks on the treadmill to burn some calories. Until it heals. I guess this week, I'll need to watch what I eat a bit closer than planned. Boo.

Active Hobbies

No new hooping videos to share. But I have been hooping. I've been out there, dancing, not worrying about, am I any good, is this video worthy. It's been gorgeous weather this week, couldn't let it go to waste. Twins are coming along. Flow is coming along. Most importantly, my dance is coming along. It's not just about the tricks. It's about the movement. Just checking in here today to say how grateful I am to have found hooping. And derby. They couldn't be more different, training for one doesn't help the other at all. But it's fun, hella fun for me. Finally. Active hobbies I enjoy doing.

If you've ever been tempted to try hooping, do it. Get yourself a hoop. Check out Deanne Love's online tutorials. And go for it!

Twas the Fight Before Christmas

Well, I finally got to skate this. I went as a spectator four years ago. And have wanted to do it since. This was my chance. It was fun. I was nervous. I played well the first half, maybe not so well the second half. I'm hoping the photographer there will post some nice photos. Meantime, husband got these shots and video. It was his first time ever seeing me skate.

My first jam. I got goated. Guess I'll be practicing as jammer more often, to get better at getting through. But one of them got a multi player block while goating me. I legit said, BYE, as she skated off. Trash talk much?

One of the jams, I was pivot. And I got sent to the penalty box. I've never experienced this. Our practice scrimmages, we don't have a full bout production with refs and NSOs, so our penalty box is a carpet lap. And at my first bout, I didn't get sent to the box.

And to continue, the jam started with me in the box. I got some good hits to the jammer without going out of bounds. Even when the other team did a panty switch. That #69 is some amazing jammer. Is she B team material? HAHA not even close. But my guess is we didn't have a full roster of true B team skaters. Also, I get low blocked in this. The refs don't see it. And that voice you can hear hollering, "LOW BLOCK" from the fans? That's my lovely teammate. She skated on A team.

And then there was this little gem against us. Impressive. Definitely some A level badasses showing off. Hell, I would too.

Action shots! I'm the one wearing the gold helmet.

Rookie of the Year

Last night was our Team Christmas Party. Awards were given out. As they were being read, I began to lose hope I would get one. I tried to console myself. It's OK. I'm new. Most people don't know me well. Sure, I never miss practice (side-eyeing husband's birthday as the only missed practice). But it's OK. Breathe.

Then I heard Rookie of the Year. Ramblin' Roxy. Wait, that's my name! I was floored. Overwhelmed. I went from one extreme to another, disappointment to elation. And my emotions couldn't handle it. I kept it together until the end but then had to go find a back room full of coats to have a good cry in. I was verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

And yes, there's a misspelled word. I find it hilarious. There are all sorts of memories that'll be wrapped up in that one misspelled word. And each time I look at it, I'll be reminded of that night.

still got it

Fresh meat practice last night. Meant to work on assessments skills. I'm glad I went. I could always use a refresher, since I'll have to re-assess in January. And that holiday bout is on Saturday. I needed the confidence boost.

Last time I attempted 27 laps in 5mins was July. That was toward the beginning of practice, after the warmup. And there were three of us on the track. I didn't have to pass anybody really.

Last night, after two hours of practice, coach decides we're going to try 27 in 5. Oy. I feel a panic bubbling inside. I didn't want to do it. In fact, the only other veteran skater there that night decided she didn't want to. She timed my laps instead.

I got 4:54. Woot! At first, I was like, darn I'm slower even with my new skates. Then I looked at the clock and realized we'd already been practicing for two hours. Not too shabby! Still got it.

I'm going to need to tap into some confidence from the last scrimmage a few weeks ago and last night, for Saturday. I'm hella nervous.

p.s. According to my attendance tracker (yes, I keep track of these things), last night was my 40th official practice with the league. I'm not counting cancelled practices or bouts or events. Actual practices.

Parade

I finally got to skate in a parade! I have wanted to do this for years, back when I first started derby. But with that league, you had to have passed assessments in order to skate. The league I'm with now probably would have let me had I not officially passed. But I've passed, so...

It was tough. Well, the toughest bit was getting down the parking lot of the church onto the street, since it was so steep. Once on the street, I was fine. Except my wheels are super soft, like 62s. Each stroke was very sticky and really worked my glutes and thighs. A harder wheel probably would have been easier.

Twins are FUN

I love this twin hoop challenge I joined. Deanne Love is an amazing teacher. I've been working on learning her sequences and have got this so far. I feel compelled to preface the video with, it's clunky and needs work. Not sure why. But I do. And it was quickie practice, didn't bring any music outside with me. Also, it was friggin COLD outside. My hands got all red and chapped. Next time, gonna try moving the cars out of the garage and see if I can hoop in there. At least no tossing but perhaps could be a good hoop space for me. At home. Which is why I like hooping. It's a hobby I don't have to leave my house to train for.

Twins & Flow

Yes ma'am, I  did my hooping today. Over an hour. It was freezing, but I was sweating in no time.

Twin hoop challenge, day one sequence. This was the first run through where I didn't drop one of the hoops. It's so simple yet so hard. Bit like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. It needs more practice, but I was pleased.

Then I got a bit of flow on video. Flow is hard. I struggle to remember what I can do between moves. I guess just practice practice practice.

And a bit of mini flow

And some isolations

What the hell, here's one more

Feeling Positive

Two weeks! That's how long it's been since I skated. With Thanksgiving and our team "break," I have missed being on wheels. We finally had a practice last night, geared more toward our fresh meat, but the vets got some hitting time off to the side last night. I sort of had a breakthrough with a pretty big mental obstacle I've been having. And it all comes back to staying low. So cliché, I know. If there's a super strong skater, scaring me, about to hit me, if I can just stay low, she's almost not as effective. Sure, I might fall, but it's way less scary. It took a comment from a ref about my height to really get it to sink in. He can relate, he's tall too, a couple inches taller than I. He tends to just bend over when he's blocking people shorter. But that's still upright. And "blocker candy" as someone put it. I tried a few rounds as jammer, really concentrating on staying low as I got close to this blocker. She was really trying, but I wasn't falling. More importantly, I wasn't scared.

So, yay for mental breakthroughs!

After practice, some people wanted to get a bite to eat. I was feeling good, feeling happy about my derby potential, so I went along. It was a nice time. I got home far too late. Ate and drank totally off diet plan. But it was worth it.

This holiday scrimmage I signed up for is coming in a couple weeks. Then our team's invitational in January. Plus I signed up for a hooping challenge, a couple of them. I'm a bit behind on one, and another is just starting. I need to get my hoop on!

Jammer

So much news! What's that phrase, it's always darkest before the dawn? Well it's been pretty fucking dark lately. I needed a bit of light.

I really, really did not want to go to derby last night. Texted my friend when I saw she was a fucking no on the check in to give her a friendly hard time. She wasn't feeling well. So I said I had no such good excuse. Then she comes back and says she's going to come but be off skates because she just can't stand not going. We are alike in this. We just can't not go.

The first drills after the warm up were tough. Coach wants us to work more on our offense. It was really confusing me, feeling awkward. I kept thinking, I haven't even come close to mastering defense. I should do that first. He says we're playing much tougher teams next year. Wonderful. /sarcasm.

Anyway so I was starting to come unglued. A really nice skater helped me refocus. And we moved onto other drills. But not long after, coach just says he didn't have much planned for our final practice, what did we want to do? I heard some rumblings of skating games, so I just said scrimmage. I NEED scrimmage time. I'm nervous of this upcoming holiday bout. So we played.

But we weren't in our usual white/black teams. The two captains were just going to pick random teams. Lovely. I made a joke to the girl next to me that it's middle school all over again, I'll get picked last.

First captain makes her pick. Then I hear my name. I was picked first by the other captain. First! I could have kissed her. It felt so nice to be her first pick. It was so glorious, I didn't even pay attention to the next picks, I have no idea who technically got picked last.

But then we realized the teams were stacked, ours all blockers, theirs all jammers. So we needed to trade one, now we're set. So we have 10 skaters. Errybody has to jam every jam or we're short. I feel the usual nausea about scrimmaging, but this is what I need. I need to do this.

I thought about this skater when I was a newbie at the other team, whom I've always liked, was always nice to me. I remember once on scrimmage night, she said to me she always feels sick coming to scrimmage night, like she was always so nervous. But then years later, I was in the rec league, when we were allowed to come on their Thu night team practice, she was there. She was talking about how busy the league kept her and she wished she could join the rec league. I told her it was great and we were even allowed to scrimmage with the team once a month (if we passed assessments, which I had yet to do). She said that wasn't enough, she longed to scrimmage, was all she ever wanted to do.

I thought that was meaningful, that there was once a time scrimmage made her want to throw up and now it was all she longed to do. I thought about that last night, as I was feeling scared to scrimmage. Maybe one day, that'll be my story.

But I wasn't doing half bad. For me. There were several times I was aware enough to let go of the brace so as not to get a multi player (I got that penalty last week). We were holding the jammer pretty well, sometimes getting lead. I was avoiding that jammer panty like the fucking plague. They tried to give it to me once, and I was like nope. Nobody really fought me on it.

Then they wanted to give me the pivot panty. Pivot isn't a very different position from blocker, usually it's someone more vocal who can organize the rest of the blockers, but the big thing is the jammer can pass the star to the pivot if the jammer is having trouble.

I think on my second run of being pivot, the star was shoved into my hand. I didn't have time to get it on my head because I had some blockers to get through. And then somehow I did get through. So I'm skating around, finally able to put the panty on my head. And hit the blockers again. I don't get through again before the jam is called off. I was feeling sick, out of breath. I skated over and was just trying not to come apart when my captain yells at me to just stop, look at her. She said, I know being jammer puts you in a bad mood (if only that's all it was, right? a bad mood?), but that was some of the best skating I've seen you do.

So we jam a few more times. Then we're at the final jam of the night. My team were all were like, you should be jammer for the last one, it doesn't matter, it's just practice. OK fine. And guess what, yo. I got through AND I got fucking lead. AND there was no jammer immediately on my heels requiring me to call it off. I skated around as fast as I could, thinking, fuck I have to do this again? I just got through, I should be done. I don't really remember clearly, I think I got around one skater then fell. I was struggling and my team just said, Roxy call it off! Oh yea, I can do that! So I did. So I maybe got one point, I don't really know, I didn't think to ask.

And everyone is just high-fiving me. My team is telling me that's some of the best footwork they've ever seen by anyone, my mohawking and toe stop work, they said they didn't even think I knew I was doing it, it looked that natural. Coach mentions I stood up as I was coming around, when I hit the wall. I need to stay low. I feel like I'm getting better at this. But it's still a frequent critique. A highly annoying one, at that. It's my dream to have people shut up about getting low with me.

So that's that, no more scrimmage for me before the holiday bout. But I needed that shot of confidence going in. And I expect come next year, I won't be able to avoid the jammer panty anymore.

Get Over It

Do you ever struggle so much with something, you make yourself sick of it? That's where I am. I'm so over my whiney self. Internalizing it doesn't do any good, either. I'm almost at an impasse. A breaking point where I need to look at derby in a different light. Who cares if I suck? Who cares if I panic at the thought of those super big hits? I'm burning calories. On skates. I've struggled with my weight all my life...well, since puberty. I've never been fully successful at getting and keeping my weight down, being happy with my body. I feel I'm finally close this time. A bit more fat to lose, maybe some muscle to gain. And derby can get me there.

Last night, dare I say, was fun during the endurance portion. It's amazing how much my stamina has improved. I can totally hang with laps, with sprinting, with drill after drill of individual skills. So that's what I can cling to. That I enjoy that part. And I just need to hang in there with the rest. Maybe next year will get better, maybe we'll have more skaters show up to practice, where we can properly scrimmage, meaning we have enough skaters so that not every.single.skater has to be on the track for every.single.jam. Or worse, scrimmage short.

I signed up for the holiday bout in December. I've been wanting to do that one for years. I owe it to myself to try. My team's invitational is in January. And then bouting season begins. I doubt I'll get rostered, but at this point, I don't mind. I just want to practice. I want to enjoy practice. I want to stop complaining. I want to stop crying.

to quit or not to quit

Why do I play derby? I don't even know anymore. Not that I ever understood why before.

Last night was rough, so rough. I'm regressing psychologically, afraid of big hits from strong hitters. Not to disparage anyone on the team, but there are these two particularly hard hitters on our team. And I'm just...done. Their hits have the power to unglue my brain. I came apart last night but was still "needed on the track" so I continued to block, tears streaming down my face. It was mortifying. I hated every minute. How can I possibly be expected to still give 100% with tears streaming down my fucking face? Don't fuss at me for not giving it my all when I'm clearly not in a mental state to give my usual...was my fear. Of course, no one said anything. They're probably all thinking, you're such a baby, pull yourself together, grow up.

Do I really believe they're thinking that? No. But they might if I make this a habit. Won't they?

During scrimmage, I got two penalties. I was confused, I longed for clarification. But I had to skate my penalty carpet lap (our equivalent of the penalty box...good idea, tire me out before putting me back on the track, instead of letting me sit out/rest for 30 seconds). And then by the time I was done, there was no way I was going to ask for clarification. On my second penalty, I heard coach call out for people to take a water break. Great. I can't. I have to skate my lap regardless. And when I get back, it's scrimmage again. Nope. I sat out. I knew my team would be short, we only had JUST enough skaters. But nope. I needed my water break, I got cheated out of it. And I really wanted to just de-gear and go home. I didn't. I got back in the next jam. Is that an accomplishment?

I really don't understand our water break situation. I sweat like fucking niagra falls. Not even exaggerating. I lose way more fluids than anybody else. I NEED water breaks. Sometimes, I get ornery and don't even ask. I know I'm probably getting side-eyed for taking a water break without permission. But I suppose if anybody had a problem with it, they'd just say something.

My knee held up well. I've been taking ibuprofen regularly since last Thu (Sunday's practice was cancelled due to WFTDA championships). I fell on it a few times, and it definitely hurt, but nothing I couldn't push through. It wasn't that level of pain where I see stars.

My hope that once I passed assessments, my brain would cut me some slack...was delusional. I don't belong in derby. Mentally or physically. But mostly mentally. I feel like a C-team player trying to play on a team comprised mostly of A-team players.

Chicks in Bowls

So cool. So terrifying. I wanna do it again!

Bunch of great gals!

Superstition

Superstition time. Never fails, when I'm looking forward to practice...I have a lousy one. Like last Thursday. My stamina was off. My knee was hurting. The drills and feedback were just overwhelming. My spirit felt crushed. No more anxiety. Just melancholy.

OR...when I dread practice, it goes well. Like Sunday. Working on walls with very low attendance, which meant I had to take turns as jammer. ugh. I had a pretty good go at it. I didn't get through, hell no, I never get through. But I was strong and felt stable. I even growled. I was just mad and tapping into that to get more power, I guess. That's my theory.

Another round as jammer, they wanted me to come in hot, so they made me back way up. meep. I guess the captain saw something in my face, skated over to me, looked me solid in the eyes and said, "You're a fucking strong skater. Don't skate over there as if you don't know what to do. You know what to do. Hit them hard, illegally if you have to; over time you'll learn how to make it legal." I tried not to cry. One of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

And I did. I hit the wall hard. I hit it legally. I almost got through. And then I met a powerful shoulder. 

At the end of practice, another skater said to me, "you get better every practice." So yea, it was a good night.

I need to not let it go to my head, or I might start looking forward to Thursday. Can't have that...

My First Bout

Well that escalated quickly...I went from wanting to walk away to passing assessments to...bouting? Yep. The team was short. A last minute addition to the roster. A quick trip to the craft store for iron on numbers onto a green top that is sorta similar in color to the team's jersey. Wipe down of my wheels. Emergency kit with skate tool, gatorade, and extra duct tape. Car cleaned out (away game).

OMG! It was so fun. So.Much.Fun. I kept waiting for nerves. Had a few butterflies, but nothing bad, overall I was just giddy. Had to get up at 5am. oy. Got to the rink by 9am. Warm up at 10am. Just before the warm up, the captain pulled me aside for the best derby pep talk. She said, "so if we lose today..." And I replied, "it's my fault?" Yea, that's me attempting to be funny. She said, it is NOT your fault. Then she told me we win as a team, we lose as a team. That I'm gonna get yelled at. It's nothing about me. It's that they're out of breath, and that's the only possible volume. She knows I'm ready. She wanted me to pass assessments on Thursday so I could bout on Saturday.

My first jam was about the fourth or fifth. I remember thinking for a quick moment, this is my first jam ever, remember this. Then the whistle blew, and I don't remember much after that. A jam or two later, I do remember getting a nice hit to the opposing jammer, hitting her out. But I fell down. That's about the only highlight I can really remember.

It was just fun though. I couldn't have cared less about anyone watching me. Didn't feel embarrassed falling. We lost, though. 150 to 141. So close. We had it at the end, got the lead, but not for long. As someone said, "we won for a minute." Yep. And I didn't get sent to the penalty box once. Mostly because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I have a team now. I'm a bouting skater. I'm no longer that girl, the girl who can't pass assessments. People can come see me bout now. Cuz I learned something really important: I can't think about who's watching me when I bout. It's all about the game. And where's the fucking jammer?

Minimum Skills Status: Achieved

I passed assessments/minimum skills. Finally! It's been an awful week, just awful. Too many emotions and tears. I was almost ready to walk away. Thankfully coach convinced me to stay. Last night, I was told by a skater that they don't tell me enough how awesome I am. That their perception is I'll do something amazing that blows their minds, then in the next jam, make a minor mistake and get all mired down in it. I guess that's true. But I think it's just four years of wanting to pass min skills...it gets to me.

My identity for four years has been the girl who couldn't pass min skills. Not sure what my identity will be going forward. Hopefully badass blocker.

Last night's highlights:

• Skater who's amazeballs jammer. Legit just plows through, no stopping her or bracing for her. We were holding her fairly well for a bit, despite that. I even heard myself grunting. That's sexy.
• I tried jamming again. Yes, I'm stupid. I sort of ALMOST slid around with that cool mohawk move, but I wasn't fast enough before someone slowed me down enough for everyone to reform around me. It warranted a fist bump from the ref. Sweet. I don't want to be a jammer, so I'm just not going to worry about my skills as jammer. But that mohawk move is pretty sweet. There's a skater who does it superb, like a signature move type thing.
• I was told I'm wanted, that I'm NEEDED. And that they fully expect me to be bouting with them next season. It was as if someone whispered in all their ears, be nice to Roxy and fluff up her ego. I could use a good fluffer.

Patience

Sitting out contact drills sucks. I didn't fall once last night because of it. And yet my knee is still swollen. Well, it was last night de-gearing. This morning, it's not so bad. I just need to be patient. HAHA! Patience! What's that? I feel like I HAVE been patient. Forced patience. I mean, I'm not patient, but I haven't quit. Does that count for nothing?

Bruised Knee

Practice was cancelled Sunday. Low attendance. LOL.

Practice last night? Hurt my knee again. I guess it's not fully healed. It's just a bad bruise. How long do bruises take to heal, for crying out loud?! I fell on it once, and I was like, ouch! I fell on it a second time, jamming. (I.hate.jamming.) And I was done. It hurt so much. I knew I couldn't afford to fall on it again. So I was done. Contact drills/scrimmaging the rest of the night...I got to watch. Like I'm fucking fresh meat again. Again? Always.

So much for redos...will I ever be considered good enough? It's always going to be something. Guess I'll be off skates until it heals.

Knee Pain

Another decent practice. What's this, three in a row? I'm on a roll! *snort*

Positional blocking drill. I'm terrible at holding a skater one on one. This is an assessment skill. I doubt I'll improve for redos. Not trying to stress about that. But getting around a skater, I don't do too shabby. I want to be an effective blocker; I don't want to be a jammer. But paired up with big sister last night, she kept praising my skills for getting around her, saying I should be a jammer. I'm comfortable bumping my chest onto her shoulder, using her for leverage to spin around, and then hopefully having enough juice to sprint away. We switched partners, and I got a skater who likes to block facing me. Yikes. But I still managed a couple times to get around her, either by drawing a directional blocking penalty (you're not allowed to block another skater in opposite derby direction/clockwise) or just pushing off her and getting away. Switch partners again and got a newer skater. I wasn't trying as hard, just to make her feel she was doing well, give her a bit more practice with it, then getting around in the same way every time, on the inside, using shoulder to shoulder to push me off, turn around, and go. She asked me, "that thing you're doing to me every time, how to I block against that." I told her I didn't know...cuz I don't.

I guess what even I need to come to terms with..you're not going to always hold the jammer. She's going to get through sometimes. It doesn't mean you played badly.

I took a tough fall sometime during the night. On that same knee I bruised a couple weeks ago when my knee pad dislodged. Nothing you'd think would be bad, just a simple down to one knee. But it was hard and painful. I needed to sit it out for a bit, flexing and stretching. The pain subsided enough for me to keep playing, but anytime I fell on my right knee, it would hurt, like more than my threshold. By the time I got home, it was swollen. So I iced it. Today, it's stiff and tender, is the best way I can describe it. I'm hoping it's fine by Sunday. I would hate to sit out a practice, but my instinct is telling me I definitely could not play on it today, so if it's not better by Sunday, I shouldn't play on it. Yikes.

Scrimmaging. I'm still a hot mess. I'm OK with that as long as I work at staying low. I know I don't always, but I'm hoping I'm staying low for longer. That's my goal. Coach asked me if I felt like it was getting easier out there, more instinctual. I should say yes. But I still feel underwater, which end is up?

Mohawks

Whoa, low turnout at practice yesterday. D1 championships happening somewhat locally. I guess errybody wanted to go watch, go figure. Practice still went well. I was able to contain my anxiety fairly well. One skater said something really nice, almost the perfect thing to say, really. She said, I know the ideal result you want for this drill isn't happening, but that doesn't mean you're doing it badly; you're actually doing it really well.

Yea, coulda kissed her. Instead I just sweated on her. Like legit, a drop of sweat fell from my body onto hers, and she's all, was that sweat from you that just fell on me? Yea. *shame*

I got to know what it felt like to be told by coach that yep, you do that really well. It's a skill I sort of knew I did well, have been told by elite skaters at the other league. It's small mohawk steps, or T steps, side to side. I mean, ice skating yo. Mohawks are like the first step one learns. And my naturally open hips. Which makes plow stopping/braking difficult (read that drill from above). But anything requiring some kind of ballet turned out position, yea no problem.

Anyway, I wanted to push myself with this drill. Be faster, quicker, more agile. We were all individually working on it, around the track, cutting side to side, at a slight angle, so we were moving derby direction, round and round the track. I could get three T steps across, sometimes four. I was concentrating on staying low. These are harder the lower you are, but I was really trying. And coach came over, saw, and said, yea you're really solid on this. Yay!

Toward the end of practice, I was growing super tired, and when I get tired, my control over my brain diminishes. So yea, I was getting pissy and grumpy and kept thinking how I've still not "officially" passed assessments. boo.

Microscopic

They say not to compare your chapter one to someone's chapter twenty. Except even the skaters I tried out with, well some of them, within a year had passed assessments and were even bouting! Most skaters I know have that timeline. Not me.

The rest? Well, I think they quit. I haven't quit yet. It's been so hard, and ugly at times, but I haven't fully given up.

A thought occurred to me. I'm not an athlete, never have been. Not ever in my life. Some of the skaters I knew who passed within a year had an athletic background or were otherwise in decent shape. Not me. So maybe these last four years have been playing catch up to athlete level. And now that I'm here (sort of), minimum skills are coming easier to me. I still haven't passed. But I'm close. So close.

For now, I'm going to need to focus on microscopic improvements. There's never going to be an aha! I'm suddenly amazing at X. But little by little, and I do mean little, each practice will get me inches closer to being halfway decent. That's my hope.

Attitude/Plan

Check it out. Practice actually went well. Main reason is I focused on the idea that practice was going to be the same whether I've passed assessments or not. Same drills. I could work hard on everything. Or I could get mired down in the fact that I'm still not official. I chose not to get mired down. Well, I worked hard at not.

I also focused really hard on staying low. My agility then suffered, but I don't care. I expect that will come with time. I need to learn (re-learn) how to jam while staying low. The pulse squats and lateral squats that I've been doing three times a week appear to be helping. I'm up to a minute on each, with the goal to get to two minutes, and then do sets of two minutes.

I've decided to start heading to the rink early for some individual practice on Thursdays. This will help two things. Certain individual skills that I just need more practice than I get during regular practice. And my three-hour endurance for Sundays. I got in about an extra 30-40 minutes.

Highlights. Scrimmage at the end, we didn't have enough skaters, but we did it anyway. Coach put me on white (I bring spare tops). White only had four skaters. Black had five. Lovely. We had time for maybe five to six jams, not sure exactly.

• After one of the jams, one of my "teammates" pointed out to everyone how I put myself in front of the jammer. Jammer was big sister. She's amazeballs. She's fast and jukey. And yet, I showed "no fear" putting myself in front of her. I vaguely remember, my two other teammates were hung up on the outside of the track while dud me was stuck on the inside. But here comes black jammer on the inside, so I remembered to position myself not sideways but square. The skater who was regaling the story said it gave them about three to four extra seconds of holding her up, just my doing that. Not too shabby! (erm, it's hella awkward being praised publicly.)
• They handed me the star. Do you want to be jammer? HAHA! No, but I'll do it anyway. And I got through AND got lead. Not due to any skill on my part. The skill was all in my blockers playing offense for me. I saw one powerful skater hitting opposing blockers out of my way. I juked a bit, mohawked around, so there was some skill. But mostly amazing blockers playing offense. Except as soon as I got through and got lead, the other jammer got through. No chance of out-skating her. It was big sister again. Everyone hollered at me to call it off. So I didn't actually get to DO anything with lead, except call off the jam with no points for either team. meh. I'll take it.

Spinning my wheels

Learning is messy. Especially when it's something physical. You're working muscles you likely didn't think you had. Or muscles that don't particularly like to be worked. But the muscle *I* most need to work...is my suck muscle. Seriously. I need to be OK with sucking. And sucking a lot and for a long while. Even longer than the four years I've been at this derby thing. Or the year+ I've been at hooping.

I read an article about Fixed Mindset vs Growth Mindset. I tend to have a Fixed Mindset. I believe that people are born with certain tendencies toward talent. Notice how I didn't say born with outright talent. I get that even the talented need to practice. But I can't help thinking some people are a natural talent for some things while others just aren't. An extreme example: Contortionism. Seriously, you can't train for that shit. You can work to get better. But either you're super crazy flexible or you're not. No amount of stretching is gonna get you there if you're not naturally flexible.

And then I've seen people bad at advanced math, like really bad at it. And no amount of studying is gonna get them there.

You see my dilemma? I believe some people, no matter how hard they work, are just not going to be any good at something if they don't have a natural talent for it. Perhaps the talent is untapped, but it needs to be there, nontheless.

Here are some of my issues, from that article:

1. I'm afraid to fail or look silly. Thankfully, this is not a crippling fear. But it's there. The idea of bouting? Nope. Performing hoop in public? Nope. Think the movie Carrie: They're all gonna laugh at you! This scene? Nails it, what it's like to be inside my brain.
2. I believe people tend to have innate abilities. I do not, however, believe practice is therefore unnecessary. But I can't help thinking: if you don't have talent, practice won't help. Much. You might improve a little, but you're never going to be amazing.
3. I really don't cope with failure or mistakes well. I tend to shut down when I feel I've really messed up. My brain likes to constantly and at random remind me of all embarrassing moments. Like the time I dropped my colorguard flag in front of Cinderella's castle at Disney World in 1998. Do I remember that I never dropped a flag in a game? Not really, just generally. I don't have specific memories of any one particular game. But I remember dropping my flag on that stage in front of all those people. Often. And with dread.

The advice from the article: "So next time you find yourself avoiding a drill because you don’t want to fail, or getting mad at someone because they pointed out your mistake, try to change your mindset and remember that getting feedback is the only way you will grow."

umm, no offense, but that's kinda lame and vague. Maybe the incessant reminders I hear to get low mean I'm still not doing it yet maybe one day, it'll sink in, if I hear it often enough. I'd rather think that my derby potential has yet to be fully untapped. I haven't yet revealed whether I lack natural talent. I just need to keep trying. But then I think of all those skaters who, within a year of starting, have both passed assessments and bouted. Yet here I am, four years later, unable to pass and forget bouting. I just yet don't fully believe I'm truly talented at this sport. And I might be just spinning my wheels, pun intended.

Flow in the Sun

This just in! Unchoreographed flow. The weather is cooling off (not cool yet, just not hot hot hot). I needed a little playtime to decompress. And it did just the trick. I'm not even gonna apologize that everything pretty much needs smoothing out. I had fun, I'm getting better.

Disappointment

I wish I had anything good to report. I had a rough time, mentally. I'm so over this, so over the anxiety and negatron voice. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's mostly related to assessments. I've been wanting to pass minimum skills for so long, knowing I wasn't good enough. It's been this dark cloud lurking. And the closer I get to passing, the more intense I feel about it. You'd think it'd be the other way round. I'm hoping when/if I pass redos and get officially passed, that it'll pop like a balloon, and I can relax. I'll still suck, but who cares? Whenever we're doing a drill that seems remotely similar to an assessment skill, my brain says, "this is why you can't pass asssessments." And I fall apart. I sound like a basket case. I'm over it, so over my own internal drama. It's bad enough I have a bad practice, but then I'm disappointed in myself for having a bad practice.

One of the first drills, I was a hot mess of confusion. And it was nearly over, but I skipped out and bailed. Big sister came to me and basically says, I don't care if it's messy, I don't care if you cry, but try to finish every drill. And my brain goes, "NOOOOO, I've disappointed her!" I struggled to overcome that thought the entire night.

Scrimmage...man, I stupidly tried to take on one of the toughest hitters as jammer. I realized later my mistake. I was standing sideways, which meant she could hit me as hard as she could. I should have positioned myself, ass facing her. She can't hit me as hard or back block penalty. But I didn't do that. I was sideways, I knew it was gonna be bad, I just braced myself. And it was bad. I went splat. My knee pad and elbow pad dislodged. I'm scraped and bruised in places you don't want to be. My poor knee.

Gameplan. Get low, stay low. I SUCK at staying low. It doesn't matter if I can't brake, block, move. At all. Just stay low. That's my plan. And no more of this side blocking. If I'm in position to take a hit, my ass better be in her face. Figuratively speaking.

Redos Practice

Sunday's derby practice did not go well. I didn't post about it because I legit couldn't find anything good to say. I entertained thoughts of quitting again, wishing I were brave enough to quit. You'd think quitting would be the easy part. Not for me. It's terrifying. But when placing my grocery order this week, I put an 18 pack of gatorade into my cart. I think that's my subconscious mind deciding not to quit. No point in having that much gatorade if not for three-hour Sunday practices.

Last night, some skaters met to do an informal practice. I have a lot of redos for assessments, I needed to work on them. I told a skater I had 12 redos, and her response was accurate. "Fuck me, 12?!" Yup.

Overall, last night went well. I still don't think I'm good enough to pass on some skills, although I did see a glimmer of improvement by the end of the night. Yes, I'm obsessed with the "test" and passing the test. You would be too if that dark cloud had been hanging out over your head for four years. Or you might not. You're not me.

Big sister is amazing, like a jedi knight against anxiety. I never can remember just what it is she says to me when I feel the panic rising, but she shuts it down every time. It's almost like, "nope, we're not going to have anxiety about that right now." I really want to show her that her time spent with me is worth it. She gave up her evening last night to help me. And that means a lot to me.

Practice tonight. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll have good things to report.

New Skills

Got outside to hoop today. I have the week off from work. I can't think of a better way to spend my time, after I've had my coffee, on my day off.

Arm tuck ins. Is that what they're called? Anyway, my 32" twins, these don't work so well. But works like a charm with my 37" polypros. Actually quite fun. Quite the cardio, too.

Been working on this move a while, too. It looks so simple, but it's more like, what sorcery is this? The timing must be spot on...or I hit the hoop and down it goes.

Is it fall yet? I'm so tired of how sweaty I get hooping. My body gets slick, my hoop gets slick. And forget flow. My hoop dance doesn't look at all decent unless I've choreographed something.

Derby Assessments

So I got a message on Thursday afternoon from coach...you gonna be at practice tonight? Let's do assessments. Excuse me while I throw up. I suppose it's best to only panic and stress about it for an afternoon instead of days or weeks.

It was tough. All the skills in one evening. I only started to come unglued toward the end, big sister took care of things and got me back in it. The results? It's complicated. I needed an average score of 3.0 to pass. I did that, I scored 3.28. But (there's always a but) there were 12 skills I scored less than 3 on, so coach wants me to redo them before it's official.

So I passed...but I didn't pass. Yet.

Power Jam

I absolutely did not want to go to practice last night. Nope. But I couldn't think of anything better to do. That's where my life is right now. Yep. So I went. I can't say it was earth shattering. I came close a couple times to losing it but managed to keep my cool, my breathing in check, my thoughts at bay.

Scrimmage again. I haven't passed assessments but whatever, right? One highlight, I saw a really good jammer coming, thought to myself, here goes nothing. I pushed my booty to the outside, tried to grab onto a teammate for leverage, out of the corner of my eye saw her fall out of bounds. I looked at her, she looked at me, it was a still moment of what the hell do I do now? She got up, I'm thinking, OK she needs to come in behind me, but before I could even mentally articulate whether I should pull the bitch move of skating backwards, she got onto the track and kept skating. huh? I'm so lost. Until I hear coach call her name, CUT! She cut the track on me. She thought I had gone out of bounds. To be honest, I was pretty sure I hadn't, but what the hell do I know? Yet. He said nope, not even close, I was in. Woot! Power Jam!

And then I fell on someone's skate wheel, like literally sat on it hard. I'm waiting for a delicious bruise to manifest on my ass. I'll be highly disappointed if it doesn't. I can't quite sit right on my left butt cheek. The only way that's worth it is if I get some badass bruise. Really, I skate derby for the bruises and to touch women. Oh, and it's quite exhilarating to be on skates. I miss ice, but any skate will do. Apparently.

Polypro

I have discovered, the hard way, that I am a polypro hooper. I hesitated to buy polypro because every description I read about them seemed to imply they were for super advanced hoopers who wanted lightning fast response. I am not lightning fast. Probably will never be. Slower, lyrical hooping is more my style.

However, HDPE feels squishy to me. Especially when I'm outside in the heat. It bounces, doesn't feel as firm to its shape. So I bit the bullet and bought a dance polypro 37". In fact, I bought two...because. In shimmery pink and metallic gold. (I have so many hoops now, not allowed to buy any more hoops for a long while. BUT I shouldn't need to now. *wink*)

Do they make me magically perfect? Well no but sort of. I'm already that much better. When I break, it responds much faster than the HDPE.

Lead Jammer

Sunday practices are tough. I remember when I was a newbie years ago; two hour practices about killed me. Even at the beginning of rec league days, spring 2015, I struggled. Needed lots of breaks, couldn't hang, was just a hot mess and out of shape. I may not be at goal weight yet, but my stamina has greatly improved. To the point where two hour practices are good. I can push myself the entire time.

Except now I'm in a league that practices three hours on Sundays. Stamina not there. Yesterday was my best and longest lasting performance, though. I took a couple really short breaks, like a couple minutes, one to inhale a banana when I was starting to feel that sick, hot stomach, pukey feeling. I knew no amount of water was going to rehydrate me. But I hesitate to bring gatorade because reasons. And then a little while later, needed another short break, hovering near the trash can, wasn't sure I could keep lunch down, and needed my helmet off. My head was so hot. But I kept those breaks super short (for me) and got right back out there. I didn't sit out any drills, including scrimmage.

Coach came over to tell me we were about to scrimmage. I replied, "Oh so I get to watch then." I was a bit relieved, that was while I was hovering near the trash bin. He said, I think you should try, you've been doing everything else, I feel confident in your skills. Yikes! I was a shit show, of course. All new derby skaters suck, is what I tell myself. But I was out there. We didn't have enough skaters to rotate, so all five of us on my "team" were out there every jam.

One of the jams, I was jammer. I've been told twice now I'm good at finding holes, a bit jukey. However, I don't seem to quite know what to do with the hole once I find it. I never get through. Feedback has been use my toe stops more and lead with my shoulder. I got through once last night. I saw nothing but white jerseys in front of me, I grabbed one girl's hips and whipped around, and there I was on an empty piece of the track to skate around. I had also gotten lead. By default, really. The other jammer did a panty pass, so she couldn't be lead. And coach told me to call off the jam. Well dammit, I just got through!

Mood

It's been a shittastic week. I doubt my mood could've been much worse going into practice last night. No direction to go but up. And that's what it did. No moments of panic or negatron voice at all. Lots of endurance and contact drills. I welcomed the feedback I got without despair. And I left practice in a much better mood. I still have no idea when I'll get to take assessments. I suppose I'll be that much more prepared the more contact drills I take part in. At least, that's my hope.

Bright spot of practice. Four wall drill with jammer, working on skills to get through and to block. I was jammer. I somehow managed to find a hole and kept digging it bigger with my hips. I got through, but they kept after me, as well they should. I was spinning and doing a lot of backward skating but made it through. And one of the skaters hi-fived me, telling me that was awesome.

Feedback Overload

Another rough practice. I just got into feedback overload. When all the critique is coming at me left and right, and it's all about what I'm doing wrong, and especially when some of it is what I was actively trying to do. I guess it's not apparent I was trying to do just that. THAT is frustrating to hear. And then working on a drill with three skaters, and all three start giving you feedback, it becomes this nightmare where all the voices start overlapping, and my head explodes. I told them I needed a minute and went to cry in the bathroom.

I could find one bright spot, only one. Scrimmage type drills, the jammer was getting through, I was the last defense against it. I had a good angle on her, but I knew I didn't have the speed. All of a sudden, a teammate from behind shoved me into her. Because I was low and in position, the extra surge of speed, I hit her at just the right angle. So that was fun.

Derby IS fun. I know my face probably makes everyone think otherwise. But what they don't understand is how HARD is it to be the worst, all the goddamn time. I come every practice, knowing I'll be the worst. It's been about four years of this. It takes a toll on you, mentally. I know I'm the worst. I don't need to be the best. I'm trying. But it's hard being the worst.

4:47

That's right, bitches! 27 laps in under 5 minutes is the skill. And 4:47 is my time. Yep, 4 minutes and 47 seconds. I could have skated another lap! Hot damn!

Time to delete this skill from my anxiety files. Plenty of other things I have anxiety over. This one need no longer be included.

Barrel Rolls

Look what I can do!

It's taken me a few months. It was comical, learning this. Many times, hit myself in the face. But today, it clicked!

Do you want to play a game?

Let's play a game! It's called:

What I'm saying vs What I really mean

I need to check myself at derby practice, what comes out of my mouth. Somewhat for myself, a fake it till I make it attitude. But also for my teammates. They don't want to hear my bullshit. They don't want to hear my negativity.

What I'm saying: I can do this!
What I really mean? I suck at this!

What I'm saying: This is fun!
What I really mean? I can't breathe!

What I'm saying: Thank you!
What I really mean? I'm sorry!

Patience & Goals

I went to derby practice last night, after Sunday's embarrassment. Arranged to meet my "big sister" beforehand. It was an awesome pep talk, full of honesty and sincerity. It really helped me brave practice. There is really no one who can prepare you for how much you'll suck as a new derby skater. I truly suck. I'm supposed to suck, so I've heard. But being out there feels a bit like being underwater. I can't breathe, my head is pounding, it's hard to understand what's happening because hello! I can't breathe. I just gotta be patient. I'll get better, it'll happen, it just takes time. A lot of time.

Big sister recommended I log my progress, a bit like what I'm doing with this blog. Kinda like one might log weights in a weight lifting program.

One skater last night told me I had really good footwork. That was nice. It perked me up a bit. Until I was thrown back in there. I started to feel some panic bubble up during this neverending jammer drill. The name says it all. And if you're the wall, there is no rest. I needed a moment. I had big sister's words in my head. I tried to get someone's attention with my index finger held up, just needing one moment. I buried my sweaty face in my towel and chugged some water. And got back out there.

And then my toe stop fell off during a drill.

No practice Sunday. The team has an away bout. Not sure what I'll do with myself with a whole Sunday off. I was thinking about what I could do to improve. At the very least, pass assessments. Those 27 laps in 5mins aren't gonna skate themselves. Maybe 3-4 days a week, add in a short run. And I mean short. Like warm up, run 5mins, cool down. I'm already lifting weights twice a week, doing things like deadlifts, bench press, and hip thrusts. Girl's gotta work her backside and upper body. I want to add timed pulse squats and planks. Squats are good, don't get me wrong. But I need help STAYING down. Pulse squats are the debil, but they work. And planks/side planks...all derby skaters need a strong core.

With all that, will I even have time/energy for hoop flow? We'll see...

Rough

I wish I had anything good to report about practice on Sunday. I don't. Assessments didn't happen like I thought, so all week the anxiety was for naught. And then I had a massive panic attack, working on a drill that's essentially an assessment skill. It took forever to calm my breathing down. I tried everything. Sitting out. Skating by myself off to the side. Taking off my skates and stepping outside for a few minutes. I was just done. I could not get out of my own head. I worried which would be worse: leaving or just watching scrimmage. I decided to watch. But then stressed about how that made me look, did I look like a slacker, I was being ridiculous. Knowing I'm being ridiculous doesn't make it any easier to STOP being ridiculous. I left a bit early, just quietly de-geared and walked out.

Yesterday, I messaged my "big sister." I felt awkward, opening up to someone I barely know, these are feels I share only with close friends, it takes time to become close friends with someone. But I needed someone who could maybe understand a bit of what I'm going through. I don't want to quit. I know I'll regret it. But I'm tired of coming away from practice in tears. It's no one's fault but my own. And I would like to think it's not entirely my fault. Panic attacks are miserable. It's not like I want to have one.

Anyway, I'm glad I reached out to her. I gave her a brief synopsis of what's going on. She wrote back a powerful, supportive message. I'm floored by how above and beyond she went to lift my spirits. We're meeting this Thu before practice to talk in person. I think it'll really help. I know the biggest obstacle is getting out of my own head. But also, I need to know it's OK for me to sit out, that it won't look like I'm slacking or being disrespectful to practice. If I can find a way to calm myself quickly, take a short break to reset, and get back in there, I think that'll go a long way.

Laterals & Laps

Practice went well again. Coach put me in a drill I'd always sat out before. It's was more a bridging drill of sorts but really when it comes down to it, it was almost like real game play. I sucked. And that's OK, is what I keep telling myself. But here's how I sucked. I blocked my own jammer. oops. And they wouldn't let it go. Coach is giving tips after, then stage whispers, and don't block your own jammer. yea yea. *embarrassed*

Another skater was giving me pointers on another drill where I took a turn as jammer. She said I was really finding holes. Then she said, and you're really good at lateral side to side movements.

OMG...so this one skill, lateral movements, it's on assessments, and it's been the bane of my existence forever. Like it's always the one skill I say I need the most work on. And for her to say that, I was floored. Anyway she said all that but then noticed when I did find a hole, that I was simply pushing through using my wheels and wasn't getting anywhere, that I needed to come up on my toe stops for more leverage. So I'll try that next time, if I can remember. It's a shit show anytime I'm in there with real game play, whether I'm jamming or blocking. I have no idea which end is up.

Assessments will be during practice this Sunday. meep.

We did 27 laps as a pack last night. I never asked our time last time we did it. I asked last night. 5:17. My reaction was that was not good. Coach corrected me, no that's really good time for skating in a pack. I said I was just concerned about getting 27 for assessments. But 5:17, that's a bit over 25 laps in 5mins, I would say. As a pack. So maybe I stand a good chance on my own to get 27? Maybe.

I'm sore all over, not bad sore but just sore. Oh and I got kicked in the shin. I remember feeling it, it didn't hurt that badly. But the girl who kicked me was like OMG I'm so sorry, I just kicked you, are you OK? Yea I'm fine, yes I'm sure. It's turning a lovely shade today and is a bit swollen too. Battle wounds. hehe.

Three Hours

Sunday practice. It's three hours. THREE! I got overheated around the two hour mark, stomach felt hot, pukey. I was eyeing the trash bins, wondering if the urge hit, would I be able to skate over in time. I asked a fellow skater, is it bad if I need to sit out a drill? Will they get mad? She said nope, but they will check on me so don't get offended if they do. I just don't want to appear like I'm slacking. But I needed a break. I was THIS close to puking.

I slid back in toward the end of an endurance lap drill. And a couple more. Then scrimmage time. The irony? As I haven't passed assessments, I have to sit out the full on scrimmage drills. Aww, darn. /sarcasm. I welcomed the break. I was still a bit pukey. When (if) I pass assessments, I will not get to sit out. So I better enjoy it while it lasts.

It took me years to build up to tolerating a two hour practice. When I was a newbie years ago, two hour practices killed me. I had to take lots of breaks. Now, I feel pretty good about my two hour endurance. But three? yea, no. I can't hang.

What I remember about last night was I asked lots of questions, I felt solid in some things, sucky in others, but that's OK. I'm trying. I'm seeing progress, even if minuscule. And I'm, dare I say it, having fun.

Trying

Where do I even start? Last night's practice was the best practice ever!

It started off with an uh oh. First drill, coach suggested I sit out. I'm not going to argue. But uh oh, is this how all of practice will go, I wonder? Next, mostly endurance drills in groups, pushcarts, that sort of thing. Some booty blocking, which I wasn't doing too badly at, if I do say so myself. Wall plow drills. The skaters I was grouped up with were so patient and supportive. I really feel like I was making a bit of progress. I mean, yea I still suck. But progress is progress, even if tiny.

Moving on to more contact drills. One particular round, something clicked, the stars aligned, the wall of two was holding the jammer but barely. I skated around front to brace and was communicating like a boss about where the jammer was. I saw one skater just zone into my eyes, watching me for commands rather than needing to look behind her. It rocked. And she was so stoked for me. It was an exhilarating thrill.

Then coach suggested I try jammer. meep. I was given pointers and good advice. What do I do? Fuck it up. I totally back blocked a poor girl. yikes. Coach said try again. ohhhkayy, did you not just see me illegally take out one of your skaters? Next time though I was better able to aim my hips for the little space between two skaters' hips. Everyone cheered. I kept juking as best I could. Didn't get through. But showed off some fancy footwork and got high fives all around after.

I mean, really. Assessments are in July. I dunno when still. But I'm going to take them. And find out just what I can and can't do, although I'm pretty sure what I can't do still. But I have hope, hope that I will soon, perhaps even this year, pass assessments and finally be a true member of a roller derby league. It's only been four years...

I didn't sit out any other drill. I pushed myself, past my fear, past my insecurities, past the negatron voice in my head that I'll just fuck it up. And I had a great time. I wish every practice could be this awesome. I know they won't, I'll have to work on patience with my skills but also patience with being patient, if that makes sense. It won't always be fun, I'll get frustrated, and that's OK. Just repeat to myself, it's OK to not be perfect. It's almost expected that I'll suck. As long as I'm trying.

Mental Challenges

Being back in a bouting league comes with challenges. Here am I again, on display as the worst skater. It's been four years of being the worst. It takes its toll. I had another rough practice last night. Not as rough as a couple weeks ago, full on panic attack, those are fun. I felt the stirrings of one and was able to control my breathing and bring it back down but not after it was obvious I was basically sitting out a drill. It's like a neon sign pointing at my head, girl is broken!

Driving home, it's a long drive to practice, but it allows for a lot of reflection. I am more cautious with this league than I was with my other league, mainly because I don't want to dive headfirst into an empty pool, or so the phrase goes. I'm way cautious and hesitant socially this time around. I don't want to get hurt. Emotionally. So I need to start taking it one practice at a time. I need to stop focusing on goals of passing assessments (I may never) or scrimmaging or even bouting (haha, pipe dream!).

How do I take it one practice at a time? Relive the positive moments. Blog about them. Memorialize them. I won't write about what went wrong, I'll save that for my private blog. But here, I'll write about what went well.

• I don't know what this drill is called. We're all in three lines at the jammer line. When coach blows the whistle, the two skaters on the outer lines wall up while the skater in the middle line runs forward to try to get through. I pretty much suck at this drill. As with every drill. But one round, I was the jammer. I was trying to juke...trying, ha. But somehow I found a little hole. I got a little unstable and was doing this one legged balance thing on the line but didn't go out of bounds and somehow got through the blockers. I have no idea what it looked like. But it felt good.
• Took a HARD hit during another round of this drill. Total front to front, shoulder to my chest, skater go down hard. I must've been the jammer again. But as with almost all of my falls, time sort of stands still in air for me, and I turn mid-air to make sure I fall on my thigh. It's instinctual to not brace with my hands, either. That can break wrists. I attribute this to muscle memory from ice skating and jumping. The best way to fall on ice is body twisted a bit so you land on an outer thigh, tucking your head and not using your hands. I'm always slow to get up cuz I'm fat. But it didn't hurt at all. Dazed me a bit, sure.
• 27 laps in 5 mins as a pack. Toward the end, I was struggling. But I never got more than about 5-10 feet from the front of the pack. I hung in there. I am not the slowest. I may be the only one standing around when they scrimmage, but I'm not the slowest. One OF the slowest, sure. But I'll take it.
• Working with big sister before practice, we worked on form. I think I'm finally learning what low feels like. And I can lean a bit further forward without thinking I'm gonna get fussed at like at my former league. My toes, knees, boobs, and nose should be aligned. And it felt better to bend low in my knees and also lean a bit forward, felt way more stable.
• Backwards crossovers are much improved from one session. I'm not surprised, not trying to brag. I am an ice skater. Backwards crossovers are the thing in ice skating, hello. But on wheels, it's tough and scary and awkward. It took several laps around before I could feel the underpush. And once I did, whoa speed. That was scary, to feel that surge in speed going backwards. A few more laps, and it didn't feel as scary. It won't be long before these are second nature, like they are for me on ice. Man, I miss the ice.

And there you have it. I need to make this a regular thing, focus on what went well, surely SOMEthing will go well at practice, right?

Choreo

I've been working on a little choreo. Flow just eludes me. You mean I'm supposed to make it up on the fly? And have it be presentable? You jest. So the past several practices, I've worked on moves that I think look good together, balancing variety. It needs smoothing. And I make weird faces when I'm hooping. And I was super hot and sweaty. But here it is...

Derby News

Derby news. I've been skating with a retired/rec league since Feb 2015. They are not competitive, do not bout. It's been wonderful. Skills, socializing, calorie burn, ON SKATES, no pressure. I do so enjoy being on skates. I mean, ice is wonderful, but there's something comforting about wearing pads and skating with friends. I don't fear going fast like I do on ice. Cuz falling on ice without pads hurts, yo.

What has happened recently and almost overnight is a transfer to a new (to me) league, although they are relatively new as an official league. The skaters are not new to derby, however. They have all been skating together for years. The league is called Piedmont Riot. And here I am, trying to join their family.

And just like that, I'm back in a bouting league as fresh meat. Assessments are coming up in July. Time to cross something off my fitness bucket list. I still may not pass, in fact am expecting to come close but still not quite pass. It's the first time in three years where my brain doesn't break out in a full on panic at the idea of attempting assessments again, so that's a positive thing. I guess.

One Handed Flow

Today, I conducted an experiment with the hoop. It wasn't terribly successful. But anything with practice gets better. In an effort to unlock my flow, I grabbed the hoop in one hand and didn't allow myself to really alter that grip much. The point was to focus on dancing to the music. I danced two songs with each hand. And none of them I'm quite particularly pleased with. However, the most important thing, the last song was better than the first. Proof things do get better with even just a little bit of practice. This is with my left hand, my non-dominant hand. I share this in the spirit of sharing my skills, even when they're not particularly good.
(apology note: not a professional video, I go off camera a bit because it's not centered)

I also have a short video of my three beat weave, with a 180 turn.

And a fun new trick, jump through weave. I can see incorporating this more into my flow.

Deanne Love

She's gotta be my favorite hooper. Her enthusiasm and sweetness, I think I'd like her in person. Her willingness to spend time "teaching" me, it's invaluable. I've learned more from her tutorials than anyone else. I also really dig her style, her pixie haircuts and colors, her healthy body and quirky clothes...she's just adorable!

All I care about

yea...pretty much

Twin Weaves

Got a chance to smooth out my three beat weave today, in the hot sun. It's nearly there! I'm working on flow into a two beat weave, seamless transition into a three beat weave. I can't wait until my twin hoops arrive. I ordered some polypros in 32". These in the video are 1) mismatched in weight and 2) 36"

And I wore sunscreen today. It was hot hot hot!

Three Beat Weave

I got it! Well, sort of. It's rough. It needs smoothing out. That's what practice is for. Getting it is about 80% of the battle...75/80, yea? My left arm is obvs not as competent as my right.

My face cream is SPF, but I wasn't planning on being out too long today. Got lost in this trick and noticed my shoulders pinking/itching. Time to go inside. Next time, just anticipate that I'll want to stay out longer than planned...and wear sunscreen. tsk tsk

And embrace the racerback tan lines...

Thanks

10 lbs down since mid-March. All thanks to hooping! I look forward to seeing my skills progress, more twin hooping, more dimensional dance flow. I'm so glad I found hooping. It's the best thing to happen to me since I met my husband. It's the perfect amount of challenge, physical exertion, creative performance that I could ask for. As a kid, I loved rhythmic gymnastics, with the hoop and ribbon, but I wasn't very flexible. I tried belly dancing a few summers ago, that was fun. I did colorguard in college and loved it. Hoop dance has the best elements of all that. It's my favorite!

Still going to roller derby because I love my retired league. But my passion is hoop dance.

Twin Hooping

Now that I have two 36" hoops, I wanted to try some twin hooping. I think I definitely need a matching set of smaller hoops, maybe 32" for practice.

Twin hooping...I can sort of do a basic two-beat weave but cannot figure out how to flow into it. I'm still clumsy. I mean, it WAS my first time trying so....

Does this move have a name? I saw Rachael Lust doing it, albeit much more fluidly. I'm just calling it a side toss.

I finally nailed shoulder vertical hooping!

New Hoop

Ahhhhhhhh! My new hoop arrived. I forgot it's a collapsible, so it didn't need to uncoil. I still unfolded it and left it flat on the floor overnight. Rain was in the forecast today. Ain't no way mother nature was going to interfere with my first hoop sesh with mah new hoop...so I got it done early. All while I technically SHOULD have been at derby practice. Hooping is more fun. And burns about the same amount of calories, actually.

My new hoop is a good weight. It's 125 psi, 1/2" ID so it's about 3/4" thick. It's 36" in diameter. And look at the pretty tonal colors! Alas, white tape gets dirty quickly...it's still pretty!

Chillin' with some Cranberries, unchoreographed, unedited bloopers....

 
Rockin' out with a lil Roxette...

And in case anyone was wondering how you get cardio from a hoop, besides the above, I like to jam out with my bigger hoop (40"), mastering core hooping. This kind of shit burns hella calories!
(can you tell I like 90s music?)

Monday Flow

Flow. It takes practice. Lots of it. Mine is coming along...I'm learning how to feel the music better, use musicality. I need to look like I enjoy it more. I really am having fun, even if my face looks constipated. *wink*

Bit of leg hooping, improving, and isolations, also improving. Then some unchoreographed flow (isn't it obvious?) with my favorite singer...

Flow. It's how you Monday...

More

It's official. I was 199.0 this morning. ONEderland! What I'm doing is working. My life is about more, not less. More hooping. More skating. More fun. More vegetables. More deliciousness. More loving myself, inside and out. More healing. More forgiveness.

I'm almost 40, got just over a year to go. I'm not looking forward to 40. Hell, I didn't do well with 30. But here's to feeling my best and looking my best as I change decades.

Hoopiversary!

Not quite sure the actual first day I hooped last year...but I know when I bought my first hoop.
April 22.

I started out with a weighted fitness hoop at 2lbs, 42" diameter. And just spun around my waist in my living room while watching TV or listening to tunes. I got a fibit in May and could see how gradually the same hoop workout burned less and less calories, so I would step it up a notch. I'd turn in a circle, walk forward/backward, side step, keep my arms elevated above my head, etc.

It was in August of last year that I discovered dance with the hoop. And other core hooping, like shoulder and hip hooping. I bought my first dance hoop at 20oz, 38" diameter and got to work. Dance hoops are much lighter in weight than a fitness hoop. I wouldn't recommend using a fitness hoop for anything other than waist hooping. You might get away with hip or shoulder hooping, but you might bruise. Anything else, that hoop is just going to be too heavy.

Happy 1st Hoopiversary to me!

Here's to many more years of vastly improved skills! And with that, here are three skills I've been working on:

Hoop every day

Hoop every day? I know there are some amazing hoopers out there who would say, duh! But I never though of myself as one. But I won't get better unless I practice a lot, a helluva lot. I have hooped the last seven days in a row. Not too shabby, definitely a first. Tomorrow is derby, so probably won't do any. But hey, if I want it to be a habit, maybe I'll hit some leg hooping for like 10mins tomorrow. To be a hooper who hoops every day, I have to hoop every day. *wink*

Today's sesh was frustrating, probably more so because I was crazy winded. I stayed indoors with my big 40" dance control flex hoop. I worked on breaks and releases on the waist, getting pretty darn good at this. I worked on breaks and releases at the shoulder. The struggle for me here is to transition to something from this, so I would break and release four times, then try to spin it around my shoulders. This was hard.

I also worked on leg/knee hooping. I read a while back that a good learning drill for this would be to shimmy it down your thigh until just before you feel you can't get it back up, shimmy it back up. Repeat over and over, dropping it a little more if you can, until you can get it all the way down to your knees and back up. I can get it about mid-thigh and back up, but if I miss just a beat, and it drops to my knees, I can at least successfully keep it going there finally! But can't get it back up. It's kinda stuck there.

Wrapped things up with vertical hooping, spiraling it forward to chest vertical hooping, then trying to tuck an arm under. I can't quite tuck both arms under without it falling, so I simply worked on shoulder vertical hooping. I can keep this going a little while but not too long. I also worked on breaks and releases in the vertical plane at my shoulders. Gravity is a lot friendlier here.

38 minutes of intense cardio, with stretching. Average heart rate 137bpm. 398 total cals burned.

What's that saying? Find an exercise you love. If you love running, by all means. But you don't have to run to get your heart rate up. Skating and hooping are two of my favorite calorie burners!

Naked Thighs

How exciting! That little swirly trick is working so well for leg/knee hooping. I put on short shorts (those thighs, though!) and allowed the hoop to feel up and down my leg. It really does make a difference. Best part? I was able to keep it going without looking too spastic AND was able to shimmy it back up my legs and onto my waist. Twice!

Get so winded though...talk about cardio.

Hubs took the camera today; stuck with my phone video quality...

Ventured outside with my baby hoop for some more off-body practice. Working on body rolls. These...are scary. And require a lot of walking to fetch that rogue hoop. But I was sorta starting to get it, just need to practice it a couple few thousand times. Ironically, I was also able to knee hoop fairly well with that little hoop. Time to buy a proper dance hoop in that small size. The one I have is cheap, hard plastic. But it's purple!

Breakthroughs

A breakthrough! In more ways than one. I just decided to go out hooping today, free flow, feel the hoop. Doesn't matter what it looks like or how complicated the tricks are. Just dance. I mastered a few new tricks, discovered a love for movement with my hoop, and had a breakthrough with leg hooping.

New trick, a 360 weave. This was one of those where I watched and watched Deanne Love do it online, go outside, and think what the what? How does it go again? Finally got it.

And just leaving the camera rolling captured some quite amazing flow, given my beginner hoop status. You can see me working out what trick can come next, where my hand placement needs to be. I think it's all muscle memory from lots of practice, to make truly beautiful flow. I almost look like a beautiful hoop dancer. Fuck that. I LOOK like a beautiful hoop dancer!

 
I also stumbled upon a new trick during my flow. I dunno if this has a name or not. But I thought it was pretty cool. A weave into a toss.

Leg hooping. I discovered, instead of just trying to bounce back and forth with my knees, if I do a sort of swirling action with the bounce, it seems to work a lot better. I need lots more practice, but I had several attempts that looked pretty much like this. (My camera battery had died, and I wanted evidence of this, so I used my phone, propped up on the speaker.)

 

61 minutes and 569 calories burned later, I'm pooped. And happy.

Turtle

Derby was a good workout last night. I found myself briefly lamenting my slowness and lack of endurance for about 5 seconds until I stopped myself. I chanted in my brain, you are doing it, you are burning calories, you are on skates, who gives a flying fuck that you have endurance for shit and are slow as a turtle. You LOVE turtles.

The pre-skates workout, I was asked to bring my hoops. I've already got one skater excited about hooping from last time. My derby first name is Roxy...I thought, what a fun hoop name would be Roxy Rolls. It applies to both skating and hooping. (hello, body rolls!) I dunno...we'll wait until I'm better before even thinking I deserve a hoop name.

Everything in my life is slow to develop. Late bloomer, as they say. Or never blooms at all.

knocked down

I get knocked down...yea, that was the last derby drill we did Saturday. Knee taps everytime they sang the word, down. I was spent. Mentally and physically.

Hooping is so hard now. I need a bigger hoop (chest height, ~48") but then I'm told a bigger hoop will sag. I cannot shoulder hoop without turning in a circle. Just cannot. And forget leg hooping. I have to spin it WAY too fast, it's so impractical and impossible. And what I CAN do requires such a hyooge hoop (40"), that I can't do any fun off body with it. Forget putting together choreo. I'm just over it.

Life is kicking my ass. But I keep getting up again.

It would be nice to have someone to relate to, someone on my level, either with derby, hooping, or fitness. I feel lonely, like the only one like this. I don't want to read inspirational blogs of people who've already lost weight. And I SURE as hell don't want to read about people who lost weight quickly. 100 pounds in a year? Yea, fuck off. I've been gaining and losing the same damn 5lbs for four years now. Don't talk to me about how suddenly the weight started falling off. I don't care how "hard" you thought it was...if you lost weight that quickly, I don't want to hear your story.

I want to know people like me. But I'm all alone. Maybe my weight will start dropping off, even if at a snail's pace, and I can make the blog I wanted. Since it doesn't appear to exist....

I have about 40lbs to lose. Maybe if I could lose the weight, derby would come easier, hooping would be easier. I dunno. At the very least, maybe I could stop hating myself.