to quit or not to quit

Why do I play derby? I don't even know anymore. Not that I ever understood why before.

Last night was rough, so rough. I'm regressing psychologically, afraid of big hits from strong hitters. Not to disparage anyone on the team, but there are these two particularly hard hitters on our team. And I'm just...done. Their hits have the power to unglue my brain. I came apart last night but was still "needed on the track" so I continued to block, tears streaming down my face. It was mortifying. I hated every minute. How can I possibly be expected to still give 100% with tears streaming down my fucking face? Don't fuss at me for not giving it my all when I'm clearly not in a mental state to give my usual...was my fear. Of course, no one said anything. They're probably all thinking, you're such a baby, pull yourself together, grow up.

Do I really believe they're thinking that? No. But they might if I make this a habit. Won't they?

During scrimmage, I got two penalties. I was confused, I longed for clarification. But I had to skate my penalty carpet lap (our equivalent of the penalty box...good idea, tire me out before putting me back on the track, instead of letting me sit out/rest for 30 seconds). And then by the time I was done, there was no way I was going to ask for clarification. On my second penalty, I heard coach call out for people to take a water break. Great. I can't. I have to skate my lap regardless. And when I get back, it's scrimmage again. Nope. I sat out. I knew my team would be short, we only had JUST enough skaters. But nope. I needed my water break, I got cheated out of it. And I really wanted to just de-gear and go home. I didn't. I got back in the next jam. Is that an accomplishment?

I really don't understand our water break situation. I sweat like fucking niagra falls. Not even exaggerating. I lose way more fluids than anybody else. I NEED water breaks. Sometimes, I get ornery and don't even ask. I know I'm probably getting side-eyed for taking a water break without permission. But I suppose if anybody had a problem with it, they'd just say something.

My knee held up well. I've been taking ibuprofen regularly since last Thu (Sunday's practice was cancelled due to WFTDA championships). I fell on it a few times, and it definitely hurt, but nothing I couldn't push through. It wasn't that level of pain where I see stars.

My hope that once I passed assessments, my brain would cut me some slack...was delusional. I don't belong in derby. Mentally or physically. But mostly mentally. I feel like a C-team player trying to play on a team comprised mostly of A-team players.