4:47

That's right, bitches! 27 laps in under 5 minutes is the skill. And 4:47 is my time. Yep, 4 minutes and 47 seconds. I could have skated another lap! Hot damn!

Time to delete this skill from my anxiety files. Plenty of other things I have anxiety over. This one need no longer be included.

Barrel Rolls

Look what I can do!

It's taken me a few months. It was comical, learning this. Many times, hit myself in the face. But today, it clicked!

Do you want to play a game?

Let's play a game! It's called:

What I'm saying vs What I really mean

I need to check myself at derby practice, what comes out of my mouth. Somewhat for myself, a fake it till I make it attitude. But also for my teammates. They don't want to hear my bullshit. They don't want to hear my negativity.

What I'm saying: I can do this!
What I really mean? I suck at this!

What I'm saying: This is fun!
What I really mean? I can't breathe!

What I'm saying: Thank you!
What I really mean? I'm sorry!

Patience & Goals

I went to derby practice last night, after Sunday's embarrassment. Arranged to meet my "big sister" beforehand. It was an awesome pep talk, full of honesty and sincerity. It really helped me brave practice. There is really no one who can prepare you for how much you'll suck as a new derby skater. I truly suck. I'm supposed to suck, so I've heard. But being out there feels a bit like being underwater. I can't breathe, my head is pounding, it's hard to understand what's happening because hello! I can't breathe. I just gotta be patient. I'll get better, it'll happen, it just takes time. A lot of time.

Big sister recommended I log my progress, a bit like what I'm doing with this blog. Kinda like one might log weights in a weight lifting program.

One skater last night told me I had really good footwork. That was nice. It perked me up a bit. Until I was thrown back in there. I started to feel some panic bubble up during this neverending jammer drill. The name says it all. And if you're the wall, there is no rest. I needed a moment. I had big sister's words in my head. I tried to get someone's attention with my index finger held up, just needing one moment. I buried my sweaty face in my towel and chugged some water. And got back out there.

And then my toe stop fell off during a drill.

No practice Sunday. The team has an away bout. Not sure what I'll do with myself with a whole Sunday off. I was thinking about what I could do to improve. At the very least, pass assessments. Those 27 laps in 5mins aren't gonna skate themselves. Maybe 3-4 days a week, add in a short run. And I mean short. Like warm up, run 5mins, cool down. I'm already lifting weights twice a week, doing things like deadlifts, bench press, and hip thrusts. Girl's gotta work her backside and upper body. I want to add timed pulse squats and planks. Squats are good, don't get me wrong. But I need help STAYING down. Pulse squats are the debil, but they work. And planks/side planks...all derby skaters need a strong core.

With all that, will I even have time/energy for hoop flow? We'll see...

Rough

I wish I had anything good to report about practice on Sunday. I don't. Assessments didn't happen like I thought, so all week the anxiety was for naught. And then I had a massive panic attack, working on a drill that's essentially an assessment skill. It took forever to calm my breathing down. I tried everything. Sitting out. Skating by myself off to the side. Taking off my skates and stepping outside for a few minutes. I was just done. I could not get out of my own head. I worried which would be worse: leaving or just watching scrimmage. I decided to watch. But then stressed about how that made me look, did I look like a slacker, I was being ridiculous. Knowing I'm being ridiculous doesn't make it any easier to STOP being ridiculous. I left a bit early, just quietly de-geared and walked out.

Yesterday, I messaged my "big sister." I felt awkward, opening up to someone I barely know, these are feels I share only with close friends, it takes time to become close friends with someone. But I needed someone who could maybe understand a bit of what I'm going through. I don't want to quit. I know I'll regret it. But I'm tired of coming away from practice in tears. It's no one's fault but my own. And I would like to think it's not entirely my fault. Panic attacks are miserable. It's not like I want to have one.

Anyway, I'm glad I reached out to her. I gave her a brief synopsis of what's going on. She wrote back a powerful, supportive message. I'm floored by how above and beyond she went to lift my spirits. We're meeting this Thu before practice to talk in person. I think it'll really help. I know the biggest obstacle is getting out of my own head. But also, I need to know it's OK for me to sit out, that it won't look like I'm slacking or being disrespectful to practice. If I can find a way to calm myself quickly, take a short break to reset, and get back in there, I think that'll go a long way.

Laterals & Laps

Practice went well again. Coach put me in a drill I'd always sat out before. It's was more a bridging drill of sorts but really when it comes down to it, it was almost like real game play. I sucked. And that's OK, is what I keep telling myself. But here's how I sucked. I blocked my own jammer. oops. And they wouldn't let it go. Coach is giving tips after, then stage whispers, and don't block your own jammer. yea yea. *embarrassed*

Another skater was giving me pointers on another drill where I took a turn as jammer. She said I was really finding holes. Then she said, and you're really good at lateral side to side movements.

OMG...so this one skill, lateral movements, it's on assessments, and it's been the bane of my existence forever. Like it's always the one skill I say I need the most work on. And for her to say that, I was floored. Anyway she said all that but then noticed when I did find a hole, that I was simply pushing through using my wheels and wasn't getting anywhere, that I needed to come up on my toe stops for more leverage. So I'll try that next time, if I can remember. It's a shit show anytime I'm in there with real game play, whether I'm jamming or blocking. I have no idea which end is up.

Assessments will be during practice this Sunday. meep.

We did 27 laps as a pack last night. I never asked our time last time we did it. I asked last night. 5:17. My reaction was that was not good. Coach corrected me, no that's really good time for skating in a pack. I said I was just concerned about getting 27 for assessments. But 5:17, that's a bit over 25 laps in 5mins, I would say. As a pack. So maybe I stand a good chance on my own to get 27? Maybe.

I'm sore all over, not bad sore but just sore. Oh and I got kicked in the shin. I remember feeling it, it didn't hurt that badly. But the girl who kicked me was like OMG I'm so sorry, I just kicked you, are you OK? Yea I'm fine, yes I'm sure. It's turning a lovely shade today and is a bit swollen too. Battle wounds. hehe.

Three Hours

Sunday practice. It's three hours. THREE! I got overheated around the two hour mark, stomach felt hot, pukey. I was eyeing the trash bins, wondering if the urge hit, would I be able to skate over in time. I asked a fellow skater, is it bad if I need to sit out a drill? Will they get mad? She said nope, but they will check on me so don't get offended if they do. I just don't want to appear like I'm slacking. But I needed a break. I was THIS close to puking.

I slid back in toward the end of an endurance lap drill. And a couple more. Then scrimmage time. The irony? As I haven't passed assessments, I have to sit out the full on scrimmage drills. Aww, darn. /sarcasm. I welcomed the break. I was still a bit pukey. When (if) I pass assessments, I will not get to sit out. So I better enjoy it while it lasts.

It took me years to build up to tolerating a two hour practice. When I was a newbie years ago, two hour practices killed me. I had to take lots of breaks. Now, I feel pretty good about my two hour endurance. But three? yea, no. I can't hang.

What I remember about last night was I asked lots of questions, I felt solid in some things, sucky in others, but that's OK. I'm trying. I'm seeing progress, even if minuscule. And I'm, dare I say it, having fun.

Trying

Where do I even start? Last night's practice was the best practice ever!

It started off with an uh oh. First drill, coach suggested I sit out. I'm not going to argue. But uh oh, is this how all of practice will go, I wonder? Next, mostly endurance drills in groups, pushcarts, that sort of thing. Some booty blocking, which I wasn't doing too badly at, if I do say so myself. Wall plow drills. The skaters I was grouped up with were so patient and supportive. I really feel like I was making a bit of progress. I mean, yea I still suck. But progress is progress, even if tiny.

Moving on to more contact drills. One particular round, something clicked, the stars aligned, the wall of two was holding the jammer but barely. I skated around front to brace and was communicating like a boss about where the jammer was. I saw one skater just zone into my eyes, watching me for commands rather than needing to look behind her. It rocked. And she was so stoked for me. It was an exhilarating thrill.

Then coach suggested I try jammer. meep. I was given pointers and good advice. What do I do? Fuck it up. I totally back blocked a poor girl. yikes. Coach said try again. ohhhkayy, did you not just see me illegally take out one of your skaters? Next time though I was better able to aim my hips for the little space between two skaters' hips. Everyone cheered. I kept juking as best I could. Didn't get through. But showed off some fancy footwork and got high fives all around after.

I mean, really. Assessments are in July. I dunno when still. But I'm going to take them. And find out just what I can and can't do, although I'm pretty sure what I can't do still. But I have hope, hope that I will soon, perhaps even this year, pass assessments and finally be a true member of a roller derby league. It's only been four years...

I didn't sit out any other drill. I pushed myself, past my fear, past my insecurities, past the negatron voice in my head that I'll just fuck it up. And I had a great time. I wish every practice could be this awesome. I know they won't, I'll have to work on patience with my skills but also patience with being patient, if that makes sense. It won't always be fun, I'll get frustrated, and that's OK. Just repeat to myself, it's OK to not be perfect. It's almost expected that I'll suck. As long as I'm trying.

Mental Challenges

Being back in a bouting league comes with challenges. Here am I again, on display as the worst skater. It's been four years of being the worst. It takes its toll. I had another rough practice last night. Not as rough as a couple weeks ago, full on panic attack, those are fun. I felt the stirrings of one and was able to control my breathing and bring it back down but not after it was obvious I was basically sitting out a drill. It's like a neon sign pointing at my head, girl is broken!

Driving home, it's a long drive to practice, but it allows for a lot of reflection. I am more cautious with this league than I was with my other league, mainly because I don't want to dive headfirst into an empty pool, or so the phrase goes. I'm way cautious and hesitant socially this time around. I don't want to get hurt. Emotionally. So I need to start taking it one practice at a time. I need to stop focusing on goals of passing assessments (I may never) or scrimmaging or even bouting (haha, pipe dream!).

How do I take it one practice at a time? Relive the positive moments. Blog about them. Memorialize them. I won't write about what went wrong, I'll save that for my private blog. But here, I'll write about what went well.

• I don't know what this drill is called. We're all in three lines at the jammer line. When coach blows the whistle, the two skaters on the outer lines wall up while the skater in the middle line runs forward to try to get through. I pretty much suck at this drill. As with every drill. But one round, I was the jammer. I was trying to juke...trying, ha. But somehow I found a little hole. I got a little unstable and was doing this one legged balance thing on the line but didn't go out of bounds and somehow got through the blockers. I have no idea what it looked like. But it felt good.
• Took a HARD hit during another round of this drill. Total front to front, shoulder to my chest, skater go down hard. I must've been the jammer again. But as with almost all of my falls, time sort of stands still in air for me, and I turn mid-air to make sure I fall on my thigh. It's instinctual to not brace with my hands, either. That can break wrists. I attribute this to muscle memory from ice skating and jumping. The best way to fall on ice is body twisted a bit so you land on an outer thigh, tucking your head and not using your hands. I'm always slow to get up cuz I'm fat. But it didn't hurt at all. Dazed me a bit, sure.
• 27 laps in 5 mins as a pack. Toward the end, I was struggling. But I never got more than about 5-10 feet from the front of the pack. I hung in there. I am not the slowest. I may be the only one standing around when they scrimmage, but I'm not the slowest. One OF the slowest, sure. But I'll take it.
• Working with big sister before practice, we worked on form. I think I'm finally learning what low feels like. And I can lean a bit further forward without thinking I'm gonna get fussed at like at my former league. My toes, knees, boobs, and nose should be aligned. And it felt better to bend low in my knees and also lean a bit forward, felt way more stable.
• Backwards crossovers are much improved from one session. I'm not surprised, not trying to brag. I am an ice skater. Backwards crossovers are the thing in ice skating, hello. But on wheels, it's tough and scary and awkward. It took several laps around before I could feel the underpush. And once I did, whoa speed. That was scary, to feel that surge in speed going backwards. A few more laps, and it didn't feel as scary. It won't be long before these are second nature, like they are for me on ice. Man, I miss the ice.

And there you have it. I need to make this a regular thing, focus on what went well, surely SOMEthing will go well at practice, right?