Derby Decision

I've decided to go on leave of absence from derby. I'm just overwhelmed with criticism and dark anxiety, I can't go on like this. I want to help the team, not bail on my other duties. I just need a break from skates for awhile. Not a total break. I fully intend to pursue hoopskating. I love being on skates. This might be right up my alley.

Leave of absence is 90 days. I should know by then whether I miss derby and want to return or whether it's time to move on with my head held high. Perhaps during this time, with the pressure off me, I can be myself around them. It's kind of hard to get to know the real me when I'm trapped in anxiety hell.

Nemesis

I think the format of this beginner class doesn't work for me. I thought it was for true beginners, like me, and that we'd all follow along with the same curriculum. That latter part is true. Except I'm surrounded by really strong people who technically shouldn't be in this beginner class. They all got their inverted straddle on the first try, the FIRST try! Me? I still can't even hold the position dismounting from the low hoop. I lack strength.

And following along with the same curriculum means it doesn't get tailored to me. I spend a lot of time working on things I just cannot do, while watching them all just get it. I'm stuck on the baby hoop. I never get to work in the higher hoops...because I can't fucking get up there.

And the teacher(s) keep telling me it's mental, it's trust. It's not. It's not not not. OK maybe just a TINY bit. But it's like almost ALL strength. I lack it.

We spent quite a bit of time on inverted straddle. My nemesis. I worked on the low hoop, getting into the same position they get into but reverse, like a dismount. And I collapsed each and every time. I was hoping for just a tiny smidge of progress. Nope.

Then we worked on outside mermaid and cross leg man in the moon, skills I know how to do, refreshers are never a bad thing, but there wasn't much about last night to make me feel good about myself.

So...I think it's the class format. There are four left. Just gotta struggle through...

I wasn't going to bother with video, but I did anyway. Terrible camera position, but I have no control over what people are doing when they video me. At least I got this one down now...

p.s. Terrible news for another student. She was working on outside mermaid. For some reason, everytime she'd flip over, she'd slide out butt first through the hoop. It's low enough that she'd just land on her feet, bent over essentially. But during one try, I guess she somehow flipped the hoop around, it whacked her in the face. Before I could ask if she was OK, I saw her tooth fall to the mat. YIKES! The hoop knocked out her tooth! I doubt she'll be back to class. She skipped last week, deliberately. So maybe she's just not as excited as I am about Lyra.

p.p.s. A friend sort of diminished my joy about Lyra. He asked if there was video (he's only seen stills that I post to Facebook). I showed him one, where I'm beautifully doing outside mermaid. He said, but where's the routine? He wondered why we weren't being taught transitions between moves. I'm like, we gotta learn the individual skills first. No more video for him, no more video for anyone with attitudes like his.

HoopSkate

Check this out! These ladies are ah-mazing! Can we be BFFs?

So of course I had to try! Just a few minutes today in my garage. But Imma need to dedicate some serious practice time to this. It's stupid fun!

Spinning

Lyra was awesome yesterday! I adore my teachers. We worked on a variation of that inverted straddle, since I can't do it properly. I mounted the low hoop (my favorite), leaned back, and got into position. Now, it was so low, that my head was hitting the floor, it was kind of hard to get in exact position. But then I worked on slowly dismounting. And by slowly, I mean collapsing. But each time, it felt just a smidge more controlled. haha, it might not have LOOKED more controlled.

Worked on a balance type move, folding over the hoop with your pelvis and then pulling up and just balancing. I have bruises now on my pelvis. And my outer thigh bruises match nearly in both size and color.

Let's see, we also worked on outside mermaid again and angel roll. Oh and for warm-ups, we did situps from hocks hang. Damn! I was certain I wouldn't even be able to do one. But I did eight to start, then rested, did two more. Then my next round, I was able to do five, rest, five. I guess I got decent core. My upper body strength will come with time.

The best part? Leaving class and having the teacher pause for effect and say, really good job today.
And believing her.

Playtime. This is stupid fun. And look how long I can hang? That's improvement, right there!

Bruises

My body is covered in bruises. This is nothing new. My body has had a bruise or three in some location for years now. I have very active hobbies that have objects or people bumping into my skin, often.

However, the bruise I'm sporting currently on my left outer thigh? Worst looking ever. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm quite proud of it. But no bruise in derby ever looked this bad. One time, I fell on someone's skate, like sat on it, and I ended up with an ugly grapefruit-sized bruise on my ass. But this, on my thigh? This is from Lyra. A few days ago, it looked like a pretty galaxy someone had painted on my skin. Today, looks like someone smeared old period blood across it. Gross, I know, but it gets the image across better. It's also swollen. And a new move I was working on yesterday re-aggravated it. Called Angel Roll. Hurt so bad, but I'm not one to let a little pain stand in my way. Nope.

When I hurt my knee last fall in derby, I kept skating. Every time I fell, dear gawd. I would sometimes be nervous about falling and work extra hard to use sheer brute force to keep my knee from touching track if I was going down. It's finally healed, thankfully. I think it was a bone bruise, which take forever to heal. I didn't have forever.

And this thigh bruise will heal, too.

Sleeper

This is just awkward. This one needs work, for sure. I wasn't even planning to take video, I thought, nothing to see today. But the teacher insisted, saying watching my own form would be the best way to learn. It's hella awkward. And this was my good side! It's a combo move, cross leg mermaid into sleeper. I got too much junk for this....

Outside Mermaid

Ahhhhh! Squeee! I needed a good lyra session. Did we work on inverted straddle? NOPE! But I did a lot of shoulder lock outs, anytime the teacher was occupied with someone else. My arms are like jello.

But y'all, I learned a wicked cool move. It hurt like a MOFO at first, until I learned how to do it quickly. Gotta do it quickly, or you're just resting on your IT band right on the hoop, and as the teacher warned me, you'll make a face and possibly make a sound. But once I got it, it didn't hurt anymore.

This is called Outside Mermaid. I've worked on Inside Mermaid. This is way prettier! Go me! (I also greatly improved Star, correcting my seated form, the hoop should be lower on my legs while seated. No more using my big ole booty to balance. Into star, I was able to get my foot back in the hoop without grabbing the hoop with my other hand or worse, grabbing my foot and putting it through the hoop manually. YAYness!)

Always the worst

I'm always the worst. Never fails. Same sad story of my sad life. Spent the entire Lyra class working on an inverted move. That I couldn't do. Hanging upside down by only the strength of your grip. Nope. I can barely dead hang for a few beats. I lack sufficient strength to even get upside down, let alone hold the pose long enough to get my legs onto the hoop. And I'm the ONLY one who couldn't do it. All seven other students got right up on the first try. The teacher told me a lot of the students have gymnastics background. Lovely. And that she could see they were getting restless for more advanced moves. But this is a fucking beginner class. It's not even fundamentals.

I didn't even bother with pictures or video. Nothing to see, anyway. The teacher should just say it, I'm too fat for Lyra.

I'm so tired of being the worst.

Lyra Fundamentals

So...Lyra. I'm in a once a week, beginner class for eight weeks, meets on Tuesdays. I've had two classes yet, plus that mini free first class. It's just not enough, yo. I need more. So I signed up for fundamentals on Saturdays.

I was a bit anxious, would this be too much for me? And at first, the warm-up seemed to be. I had to take deep breaths as she was explaining, trying to calm my brain from the bubbling panic that this was a bad idea, a very bad idea indeed. She modified the warm-up for me and what I could do, and things were better. Dead hang shoulder shrugs. I can only do about 3 or 4 at a time yet.

Then we worked on what's call ball inversion. I'm sitting in the hoop and lean back so that my knees are over the hoop and keep sliding back until I'm dangling by my knees. I was using a very low mounted rig so by the time I leaned back completely, my upper shoulders were resting on the floor. So...almost a hocks hang.

The purpose is to then grab the hoop and hoist yourself back up. I wish I had a bit of video of this. I was able to do it, we did 3 rounds of it for practice, and I was able to do it each time. Sharing a rig with three other students, it was slow going. It's hard AF and a bit scary. Once you get your hands up to around 3 and 9 o'clock on the hoop, you extend your legs straight, and that acts like a lever to pull yourself into the hoop without a lot more upper body effort.

The teacher was split between some more advanced students and a few lesser advanced students, so there was some standing around time. The next move we worked on was man in the moon with scissor leg (or cross legs, as they called it, but I had no idea how to visualize that until I saw it). And that was all we worked on, in 90 mins. The warm-up took much longer than my beginner class does. And the stretching after. I'm hoping we work on more variety next class. Or I could just be patient. Novel concept.

I was told to not quite yet leg go in this position, something for next week. I had a moment where I thought, I could just let go, make this pretty, but I'm a good lil student, rule abider, and so I didn't.

And oh, the bruises! I have outer thigh bruises from mermaid on Tuesday. Inner thigh bruises from star. And now I have these little polka dot bruises on the backs of my knees. They match well with the bruises on my upper arms from roller derby. And some weird shin bruises, not quite sure where I got those. Derby or Lyra?

Mermaid

Had my second beginner class of Lyra last night. (well, I guess technically third, the first class was that mini half hour free open house class)

We worked on man in the moon again and also star. Then we learned mermaid and perch, but perch was one I had worked on in that mini class.

Mermaid was TOUGH. I was trying to angle to the right, holding on with my left hand, and I was just unable to get around, over that tendon or whatever in your outer thigh that HURTS if you try to rest on it. Teacher warned us to roll over quickly or it would hurt. And it did, but I couldn't quite get all the way over, so it would just hurt, and I'd have to come out of it. It was a little upsetting at first, feeling like a failure. Then I tried the other side, thinking, everyone has a good side and a bad side. I was able to better get into position the other way. It still kind of hurt, but then I got more on my quad, and I was OK. I still feel like this skill needs work, don't they all? I need to be more on my belly almost.

I asked about taking a second class per week, signing up for fundamentals. This beginner class is one hour and only lasts 8 weeks. The fundamentals class is simply ongoing and is 90 minutes. She basically said, sure I could, there might be some overlap of skills, if I don't mind that. I dunno. I'm weird. I wasn't getting a vibe from her saying, SURE you're absolutely ready, do it! Maybe I just expect too much from people.

Anyway, here I am. I did better to remember to keep my leg straight and engaged in star.

Positivity

Practice last night was the best I've had in a long time. And I mean, a long time. I felt like something had changed a bit. Coach was being way positive with everyone, pointing out the things they did well, even me. Teammates were trying to be positive with others. And I felt this clicking where I just kept doing well, kept getting hi-fives, everyone else seemed to be feeling the positivity, too.

This is what I want for this team. I know mistakes happen, and they need to be corrected. But just think how much more amazing we'd become if we were shown all the things we do well, rather than all the things we fuck up? The motivation that comes with positive reinforcement really can't be beat.

We have a bout on Sunday. My first HOME bout. With my very own jersey. I'm excited and nervous. I might even go to the after party to celebrate with the team. I don't care if we win or lose. I'm finally playing derby. I'm finally having moments on the track where I'm super effective. Am I still a shit show sometimes, yea. Am I still hella anxious at the very idea of taking the jammer panty, fuck yea. Am I still feeling weird and excluded by most members of the team, definitely yea.

But I'm a derby skater. No one can take that away from me. I finally did it. After all these years.

Beginner Lyra

Lyra! Man in the moon again plus a new move called Star. I need to remember to straighten my leg, looks a little sloppy. Holding on with only one hand is a bit scary, too. My hands are raw and sting a bit, can't wait for callouses to develop. Just like my feet from derby.

Hoop Choreo

I finally brought the camera out with me. I've been hooping a lot lately, working on my flow, also working on a bit of cute choreography. And finally got it to video, after a few false starts. I swear, once my mind knows the camera's rolling, I become an even bigger klutz.

p.s. Aerial Hoop beginner class starts next Tuesday. It's an eight week course. I'm stupid excited. Hopefully I have some pics and video to share.