cry it out

Trying to summon motivation, inspiration, excitement...forgiveness

Yea...it didn't work

Or this

Something to remember

I will be too much for some people...those are not my people

0-4

That's my record. I'm not an ultra competitive person. But I'm kinda feeling like bad luck for whatever team I'm on. I'm the reason we lose. I know I shouldn't think that. Tell that to my brain. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Here's the thing, when I watch derby, it LOOKS fun. And I had fun at my first bout, legit fun. At the holiday bout, I mostly had fun. I wish I'd played better. But I had fun overall.

Did I have fun yesterday at our invitational? No. Not really. Thursday's meltdown was still plaguing me. I was ashamed to show my face, to put skates on. At least neither coach made any attempt to get me to take that stupid jammer panty.

I skated terribly in the first game. Game 2 was co-ed, so I sat out. I FEEL like I skated better, with more intensity, in game 3. I took some hard falls, some at the hands of my teammates. It happens. If I can do anything, it's fall without hurting myself.

It's taking considerable effort to focus on the positives of yesterday's invitational. I can think of two. Both from game 3.

I do remember one particular moment, their jammer had just gotten through, so I turned around looking for my jammer. Here she comes. I locked shoulders with an opponent, attempting to hold her off so my jammer could get through. I was aware enough to stagger my legs, use my back leg toe stop to slow us down but not stop altogether (no stop block penalty). My jammer got through. I made a quick mental note to myself, that was effective.

All I want is to be effective. Reliably effective.

The very last jam I skated in, we were holding that jammer well. Someone looked at me when we lined up and said, she hits hard, be ready. So when the whistle blew, I shoved into her as she hit me. Hammer and nail. We held her for nearly a full lap, she was getting so tired. I almost felt bad for her. Then I heard my teammates panicking and shouting, panty pass! I had been looking over my left shoulder when I heard it, then I looked over my right and saw their pivot. I remember thinking, oh no they're not! And shoved their pivot out of bounds. It helped delay the panty pass. By the time they were able, the jam was over.

My husband came for the first game. Pity he only got to see me play like crap. He took some video, but it's nothing exciting. Except I looked good in my new shiny gold shorts. Damn good.

And the feels with this photo...that's my captain holding onto me, I knock the jammer down (she fell to the inside in the next moment, this is a video screen capture), but I don't go out of bounds. #teamwork

Meltdown

I don't know what to do. I'm never going to be any good at this stupid sport. Here she goes again, having a meltdown on the track. It's not exactly what I wanted to be known for. I don't want to skate on Sunday. I definitely don't want to jam. And I really don't want to skate both scrimmages. I'm committed to the team, committed to the board, for the entire year. But I don't want to skate anymore.

Scrimmage last night, I was a mess. It’s been too long. It’s been a freaking month. I’m going to embarrass myself on Sunday. I don’t even want to skate now. And then, jammer panty. I don’t know why I keep trying with this. I’m not getting any better. I sometimes get worse. It was awful. I just started crying right there on the track, pushing and pushing and getting no fucking where. We had just talked about how if you’re in trouble, to pass the panty to the pivot and right before I might have, she got a penalty. There goes my pivot. My brain just shut down. It felt like it lasted forever. It was humiliating. I can't even begin to describe how humiliated I felt.

When it was over, I skated as far away as I could get and cried. Then someone came over, and I just lost it. I needed a hug so I grabbed her and hugged her. I couldn’t speak, I was hiccupping and crying. Coach came over and just tried to say we’re knocking the rust off everyone. Right. NO ONE is as rusty as I am. NO ONE. Because I’m already bad. My paranoia about if I miss just one practice, I’ll lose my skills…well I’ve missed a lot of scrimmaging. Not missed because it hasn’t happened. But same essential thing. I’m not ready for Sunday.

Then this morning, my friend texted me. She found out that jam I was jammer in…Coach let it go for FOUR minutes. No wonder it felt like it would never end. That's just cruel, to let it go that long when I'm so visibly upset. Well shit. But the damage has been done. I really don’t want to skate. I committed to the board, so I won’t back out. But I don’t want to skate.

Speed Skating

Went to a speed skating practice last night at the roller rink near me. I made my teammate go with me for courage. It was a bunch of kids, but these kids were tough. And fast! And very welcoming. Basically, it was an intense workout. I tried so hard to keep up. I think it'll help if I go regularly, maybe not every week. Any extra time on skates is helpful, especially when it's not just a public session. I hate those. I hated them when I was in ice skating, and nothing has changed with wheels. Public sessions are just abysmal.

There was one drill I did well on. Not the first round. Here's my attempt to describe it: It's a race. On opposite corners, each skater sprints, and there are five cones down the line. You skate to the furthest one and have to pick it up with your left hand, skate back to start, and dump it in a bin. Rinse and repeat with the remaining four cones, skating to the furthest one. The first time I tried, I was ridiculous. I was like, how do I pick this up with my left hand, skating so fast, do I straddle the cone, what? Once I fell, not bad, but I only had knee pads on and my elbow slid across the floor, didn't hurt, but I definitely noticed I wasn't padded.

Then I'm standing there after my run, watching, and it hits me what this drill is trying to get us to do. Like in the olympics, when they're skating super fast around the turns, they're so low and leaning in, they can practically slide their left hand along the floor as they're skating. Once I realized that, my second run went much better. And I was matched against my teammate again. And I beat her. I think only because as she came around once to dump a cone in the bin, it didn't go in, and she had to go back and get it in. Them's the rules. But I didn't miss a single cone picking up nor did I miss dropping in the bin. I got low, kept my skates together but staggered a little, leaned in, and slid my left hand along the floor and grabbed the cone, crossed over once, then sprinted as fast as I could. Did the same while dropping in the bin. So I was pleased with that.

Maybe if I go 2-3x/month, for a few months, I'll see some improvement in my speed and endurance.

Gangnam Style

No derby updates, practice was cancelled yesterday. I give you this...

Back on the Track

Back on the track last night. Felt good. We've got annual re-assessments coming up, so we worked on a lot of those skills. Dammit, I have to do this again. I JUST did it. Oh well. My grapevines and shuffle steps, I'm the slowest of the slow. But at least coach kept repeating that speed isn't a factor, good form is all he's looking for. I just am amazed how much faster everyone is at these vs me.

27 laps as a pack. I do love this. It's intense, it's grueling. But it's comforting. I don't stress about the time, I just stay with the pack. I can't go any faster than the pack. If I struggle to keep up with the pack, they slow for me. Sometimes we hold hands. It's very kumbaya. We got 5:23.

Then we worked on weaving through cones. Man, this skill. I didn't pass it originally. I've been coming to all the fresh meat practices in December, still couldn't get it under 6 seconds. I tried it and got 6.29 seconds. Darnit. Coach gave me some tips on form, which I thought I was doing, obvs not. But I didn't argue. I'm working on that. They see what I don't. It doesn't matter that I was actively trying to do just that. I wasn't doing it. And there's no point in arguing or whining that, I'm trying! or any of that. Tried it again and was told I had much better form. But my time was 6.35 seconds. I'm slower! I was starting to get discouraged, trying hard to remind myself that I could offset this skill by kicking ass on other skills. I only needed an average score of 3.0. But I still...I wanted to get this. I tried one last time. I really focused on form, I tried to be fast, it didn't feel any different. My time was 5.87 seconds. WAHOO!

Working on leaning with a strong skater, she doesn't intimidate me as much. I've sort of figured out how to deal. I was really jostling, trying to get my shoulder in front, trying to step across her. I was successful once, very successful, and coach happened to be watching. It was like picture perfect derby. And he joked with me, remember a few months ago when you "couldn't do that." Yea, he's an asshole. Good thing he's a likeable asshole.

After practice, the captain wanted some of us to work on a new strategy, and I got roped in. I was tired. So we're mock scrimmaging, this ref is on the other team and goes in to hit me. I don't move. He says, you are a lot more solid. Thanks! We try the run through again, and again, he goes in to shove me out of the way, and I don't go anywhere. He stops and says, can I just say you are like 1000% more solid. It was nice to have someone pay such a compliment. He's good people.

Maybe I'll even roster a home game or two this season...