Foot Locks

OK. I braved the cold for silks class. (Fall has arrived, yay! but with a little too much vengeance. Temps dropped like 20 degrees practically overnight.) I also knew it would be a bit of a shit show, as my period is due to arrive in days. The week before I start always results in lack of strength due to hormones. Guys (nobody reads this, let alone guys) but guys, seriously, be grateful your hormones stay even throughout the month. This roller coaster ride of hormones is not fun; I'd like to get off. Pleaseandthankyou.

And guess what? Another "private" lesson. I was the only student. Last week, the rain kept people away. I guess last night, the cold did? I was hanging in there pretty well. We moved onto actual hip keys vs manual. Manual had gotten "easy" so time to try a real one. You pull up on the silks with them on the outside of one thigh. You sort of kick back with the other leg to scoop the fabric up over that leg, then shoot down with the original leg to secure the fabric. Then lean away from the leg that did the scooping, while keeping it tucked, and cinch it between your thighs so you stay put. It felt so close. I tried several. I would almost get into position, hold for a beat, but then slide down the silks. No big deal. I'm sure I'll get this with more practice.

Ball flows, which are ball into pencil and for my first time, into pike. Straddle mount practice. Then climbs. I did one to the top. I tried again and nope. Again and nope. My arms were spent. We reviewed the flippy move I learned last class, and I just could not lift myself up.

So we moved onto learning foot lock in the air. To practice this, I sat on the mats. Then I tried it in the air and again, close but not quite. I was hanging for a bit, struggling to execute but couldn't get the silks wrapped over my foot using only my other foot. At least I was hanging for the time required. Once I get the execution, I should have this.

Final bit for class, a move using single foot lock. By single or double foot locks, I mean one or both silks, wrapped around one foot. Thus far, I'd only learned moves using a double foot lock (both silks as "one" wrapped around my foot.) Last night, I learned a pose using one of the silks wrapped around my foot, with the other silk free.

Here it is. I think she said it was called supported bridge. I'm really struggling to remember the names of any of these moves. It's probably the first move I'm kinda proud of.

Heavy Lifting TB

Throwback to 2012, I took up heavy lifting. For pretty much the entire year. I quit when I started roller derby that November. There just wasn't time to get in three lifting sessions per week plus derby practice, which required a shitton more cardio endurance than strength. I found a folder my husband must have created for me, just called videos. It's basically all my lifting videos, for checking out form.

Here's me squatting 120lbs.
Damn, this makes me want to get back into heavy lifting again. So badass! But WHEN? When would I have time, for crying out loud...

OHP...this looks like 65lbs (I think those are 10lb plates on each side)

Deadlifting with the big girl plates, 135lbs

Bench pressing 83lbs

Ball on Silks

Guess what? My period is due. Again. Everytime I turn around, it's here again. Yesterday's lyra was going awfully. I couldn't understand why. My straddles were hard. I tried that same sequence from a few weeks ago and bailed before mill circle; just couldn't bring myself. I also tried to get on video that new move I learned, tilted fold. But failed.

I spent a lot of time on back balances. Straddle back balance seemed to click, felt way more secure. My front balances, they're part of my warmup. And I was able to lift up and hold for three beats with no hand assist. In my private lesson last week, my teacher was complimenting my front balances, saying she has some intermediate 2 students who struggle with it. Lovely. So are these like my mohawks in derby? Everyone was envious of that skill of mine. But big whoop. It's not part of assessments. It doesn't make me a great player. So I can do a front balance well. Big whoop.

I took to the silks for a bit, to get ball on video. I'm jumping a bit still. And I just cannot dismount to lockoff, no matter how hard I try. But I no longer have to catch my foot. I sure hope this helps lyra ball.

After, I treated myself to some chocolates and a pedi. There's a chocolate shop in the same center as the pedi place, so I picked out my chocolates and got my toes done. The pedi place serves wine.

Chocolates
top row: milk chocolate salted caramel, peanut butter, espresso mocha, coffee hazelnut
bottom row: strawberry champagne, cookie dough, maple cream (my favorite), dark chocolate salted caramel

Proof

Here's proof of my climb! Hubs was impressed. He likened it to climbing the rope in gym class, which he could never do. Neither could I.

It was at the end of class, when we had a couple minutes of free time. I wanted evidence of my climb, so that's what I chose to work on. My favorite bit? My teacher was watching. And the comment she made at the end...all the good feels.

And then a flippy kind of move. I forget what it's called. My guess is it's simply a transition move to others. Still, everything I'm learning is on a full foot lock, which is getting boring. But I remind myself I'm not taking silks to have fun, per se. I'm taking it for conditioning, for lyra. Climb and ball work will help lyra. I wish I'd gotten my ball on video. Next time...

Tilted Fold

Three cheers for private lessons! I got one on silks the other night, by accident. And had my lyra private lesson today. I love those days. I look forward to every lesson. There are no other students to compare myself to, just myself and what I could/couldn't do yesterday. And all the attention from the teacher. I like attention. I just don't know how to ask for it.

We worked on more single knee cinch variations, with her spotting. These are hard. Turns out, I've been focusing so much since starting lyra on my lower core, I've perhaps neglected my upper core. I've got more conditioning exercises to do. If I can slow down that "drop" my upper body does when I let go of the hoop, my single knee cinch stands a chance of keeping the position. And I won't fall on my head. This is always a good thing.

Worked on more back balances. New flexibility training, scorpion back balance, grabbing my ankles. This is similar to the bow pose in yoga but you know, harder...balancing on a lyra hoop. This is meant to build up to a drop, from back balance to knee cinch. But my flexibility isn't there, especially in my quads.

Ball to the top, while she holds the hoop. It always swings forward when I try. She swears it's improved. It doesn't feel improved. It's a combination of tucking my big ass up, KEEPING it there, while pushing back against the hoop with my grip. I'm tired of saying, I'm never gonna get this. It really will be microscopic, painfully slow improvement, until one day, I'll look back and absentmindedly think, oh yea I used to not could do this.

She taught me a new move. I haven't been sending her new move requests lately. Partly because I'm just not finding many new ones and partly my mood suffering. This is a move I've never really seen, I don't think. I like it. It's called side ball, but she hates that name. I thought of side tuck. But I think it needs something even fancier. Like tilted fold!

At the end, she wanted me to spend a moment on my favorite pose, to help me feel amazing, end on a high note, as it were. What's cool about the new move I learned is I can then slide down into hip hang, which is perfect for getting into my favorite pose. I think I might call it, falling arabesque.

Speaking of...now that I have a new, fancy way to get into hip hang, maybe I can finally send her this transition I saw from dragonfly. Currently, my only fancy way of getting into hip hang is from dragonfly. Part of me was like, I don't want to ruin my only pretty way into hip hang. I should have known there would be other ways.

I might even go to silks class tonight. We'll see...I never did go to lyra on Tuesday.

Climb

I got my first climb on silks! I was struggling with the bit where I had to dead arm hang whilst kicking up my feet for the next climb. So we did some conditioning arm hangs, and after a few, I was able to hold my weight, so back to the climb. Just needed the right muscles to fire. Silks definitely works different muscles, or the same muscles in different ways, than lyra. Took a couple more climb tries, but then I finally did one, got to the second climb!

And by we, I mean the teacher and me. There were two no-shows to last night's class. Bad rain in the area earlier was probably the culprit. I essentially got a private silks lesson. It was fab! I like this teacher. She's one of the first I met, so I feel comfortable around her. New people make me nervous. And group classes already make me nervous, so I don't need a double whammy. I even took a flexibility lesson with her once. That was awesome...but expensive. For flexibility training? With my super inflexible body? I didn't want to pay that much. But I digress.

I learned several new poses. Didn't bother with pics or video. All of them use a single foot lock with both silks, so they're not even that high in the air, not really all that impressive, in my apparently not so humble opinion. Or too humble. Not sure which. I think of these silks classes as conditioning for lyra. But I won't be able to do much if I can't master climb. So, yay.

I also saw a much improved ball inversion. I was jumping but only a bit. I didn't have to catch my foot against the silks. I was also able to stack my spine and shove my hips in the air by "pulling" on the silks and then straighten my legs for a pose called pencil.

Tonight, I hope to make it to lyra practice. I'm sore, but it'll be good conditioning, as I have my private lyra lesson on Thursday.

I am allowed

Mood & Energy

The thing about me is, I can get knocked down by extreme disappointment and depression...but after the fog clears a bit, I can sit down and tweak my plan to give me renewed hope.

Yes, my weight is a CONSTANT source of frustration. My lack of strength and flexibility, too. I'm lazy, tired, sad...all the time. You name it. But here's what I can do about it.

• Running intervals. I KNOW these do wonders for my depression. So why did I quit doing them? I thought maybe walking on the treadmill for 45mins, 4x/week, would be enough. Obvs not. Instead, I'll run my five intervals, then finish walking, during that same 45min time period, 4x/week.
• Increase protein. I don't really like protein shakes, per se. But today, I mixed protein powder into my coffee. It's delicious! I needed a whisk to really get it dissolved, but that worked like a charm. Yay, more protein!
• Silks. Gonna give this 8-class pass a proper go. My plan is silks class on Mondays. Lyra on Tuesdays and Saturdays. On Thursdays, I'll either have my private lyra lesson or silks class. That means FOUR aerial practice days/week. 
• Sleep. I need to get more sleep. I plan to start going to bed a bit earlier and not watch TV in bed. Instead, read. I want to read more anyway. 

I'm hoping with this tweaked plan, what it will ultimately improve is my mood and energy. Without those, nothing else works. 

Jinxed

Well...I jinxed it, my straddle. I couldn't do it today. I might just be really sore from silks. I couldn't even jump into it. I'm never going to get these inversions. I'm never going to get to go to intermediate classes. I'm going to run out of moves to learn. I'm never going to feel like a member of the studio tribe.

I also took measurements today. And found this website that asked for all sorts of measurements, to estimate one's body fat. It said mine was just over 40%. Obese. I guess BMI wasn't wrong. Why do I even bother? I walk for 45mins, 4x/week. I go to lyra 3x/week. I do this damned stretch and strengthen video once/week. I also try to hoop and do some pullup bar work a couple times/week. My diet is great! Carbs reasonably low, protein reasonably high. I can't imagine eating any differently. I log/weigh everything. Nothing is fucking working! I've had bloodwork done many times in my life, it all comes back normal. There's nothing wrong with me except me. I'm what's wrong with me.

Cross Training

This is how I cross train. I've decided to take a bunch of silks classes in the hopes it will improve my inversion game with lyra. I dislike silks. The grip, mainly. And it's HARD. There's no rest. It's all strength without a lot of reward. At least for now. I can't climb, so there's not much pretty I can do yet. I'll just think of class as conditioning. I may not bother with photos or video much, since I'm not all that impressed with what I can do.

And I'm so fucking sore...

Straddle

I don't wanna brag or nothing...I also don't wanna jinx it...but my straddle feels pretty much "there." I'm not really jumping or kicking anymore. I just sort of fold back. I mean, everything could always be polished up a bit. But I don't think it's really DIB-level anymore.

Too bad none of my other inversions are making much of any progress. There's no way I'm going to be intermediate ready by February, my lyra-versary. I almost did ball the other night with my pullup bar at home but didn't want to risk going fully upside down. Except when I try ball on the hoop, nope. Not even close.

Here's my warm up sequence. It's exhausting. But does the job. I run through it twice. And by then, I'm sweating.

I went through this lovely sequence once with my camera, that died in the middle. It still had "time" left on the battery but just decided to shut itself off. Rude. So I rested up a bit and ran through it again with my phone video. Can tell I'm tired, but it's a pretty sequence.

Arrow Variations

Today's lyra lesson:

• Back balance, with straight legs. Apparently, I already straighten one leg for leverage without realizing. So practice shall include trying to back balance with both legs bent (scorpion) and both legs straight (more difficult). Also worked on leg block variation of back balance (one leg straight up in the air). No pics yet.
• Ball to the top. We're going to work on this every lesson because she can hold the hoop for me. It swings out when I try by myself. She said it's already much improved since last time. Last time, all I could do was hover my butt over the bottom of the hoop and wiggle a little, clearly unable to do any kind of tuck, invert. Today, I could tuck more, thanks to working on this with my pullup bar. Still no inversion tho.
• I wanted to work on a transition from arrow to single knee cinch. Rather than just be in a double knee cinch and bring one leg out, I wanted to work on a release with one leg on the hoop, let go, straight into single knee cinch. But I wanted a spotter. Safety first! I might ask to work on this again next lesson, before I'll risk trying it on my own.
• Arrow variations, fun! My teacher wants me to practice arrow more with overhand grip. boo, kicks rock. But it will help, since arrow to the top of the hoop is always overhand. In my video at the end, I went back to my trusty underhand grip. But I promise I will practice overhand. Learned two variations, one with an arched back, bent back leg. Another with a hook over the opposite leg from tofu hook. What the what? She demo'd it for me and said, you might not be able to get back up into the hoop, that's ok, just slide down to the floor. But guess what? This chick could easily get back up, and my teacher praised me for it.

What a dork. I just realized watching the video that my teacher intended to spot me, releasing into single knee cinch, but it never occurred to me to do that. That would have made a pretty transition to capture on video. boo. I'm such a dork.

And that's it. That hour goes by fast, y'all. I grabbed a screenshot from the above video. So pretty...

Toes to bar

I've been working on this, with my pullup bar at home. I also try to work on it during my hoop warmup, assuming I'm not at the pineville studio, with only the high hoop. I still don't feel brave enough to drop to an arm hang up there. If I can't get back up into the hoop, it's too far to drop down. (And it's really, super difficult to do toes to bar from the low hoop.)

Mine are about eye level now, with bent legs. But I found this video, to let me know I need to make sure not to let my head dip back. I have no idea if I'm doing that or not, I've never paid attention.

sadness and despair

My period arrived early this morning. That means, up until last night, I was a pressure bubble of sadness and despair. Typical for just before. I didn't want to go to lyra. I made myself. And I regretted that decision. Yes, it's possible to regret a workout. Sometimes, it can make things worse.

My head is clearer today. In fact, I noticed the MOMENT my brain started to right itself. It felt as if a faucet had been turned on, you know like when the a/c kicks on and you can suddenly feel cool air? That's what it felt like. I emailed my husband to tell him he should be grateful he's a boy and never has to endure that sensation of feeling like the world is going to end yet in the next moment, oh wait, everything's fine, I think. I still feel a bit emotionally hungover.

Strength was shot last night. Even my trusty side mount was hard. Everything was super scary too, way up there in the high hoop. But I made myself do a back balance. I didn't let go, of course. But I got up there.

stupid ball

Ball is just...not there. Like the first time I ever tried a straddle mount was eleventy million percent better than my ball. There's something not clicking. Especially to the top. And so yes, I'm whining again. There are all sorts of moves unavailable to me simply because I can't invert into a little ball to the top of the hoop. I'm running out of ways to pose in and under the hoop without that. It's frustrating.

I can do pretty moves like this...

and this...

but no ball...

What if you're wrong?

I'm seeing a new therapist. It's been years since I've been in therapy. I've been in and out of various therapists' offices for decades. I thought it was time to try again. Although, breaking in a new therapist is hard, so hard. But I like this one so far, three appointments in.

She said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. I whine a lot about inversions. I whine to my teacher, who simply says, it'll happen. I whine to my friend, who commiserates with, stupid inversions. I whine to my husband, who says, you'll get it.

All well intentioned uselessness for me. (but maybe I should stop whining...)

But I was whining yet again about them in therapy. I told her I just didn't believe I could ever do them properly, that I missed out on childhood muscle memory, I didn't start out fit enough, I'm too heavy, too inflexible, too weak, blah blah blah. She simply said...

What if you're wrong?

huh. I'd never had anyone phrase it that way before. It's her job to challenge me in a gentle way, unlike anyone else in my life, who love me but just don't know what to say to make me feel better. It's not her job to make me feel better. It's her job to derail my script. And she certainly put some brakes on that train of thought.

What if I'm wrong? That would be nice. I'm certainly not opposed to admitting when I'm wrong. But what if I'm wrong? I sure hope I'm wrong.

I went to lyra immediately after my appointment. And got this video. I'm still jumping, but I wanted to see if I could jump but not LOOK so much like I'm jumping. No kicking one leg, no bending knees to jump. Not too shabby, eh? For a DIB straddle.

And first time ever, ankle hang! Ta Da! It's terrifying, so I've had to get over the fear. It also hurts like a mother fucker. That's all my bodyweight pressing a metal hoop on the delicate insides of my feet. I had to just ignore the pain. It's not much now, but I've been working on this for months. I'll get there. It'll look badass!

Derby Dream

I dreamt last night about my former derby captain. She was horribly cruel to me earlier this year. She probably doesn't think so, in fact told me so, in a very cruel manner, in front of others who simply looked the other way. But I won't let anyone invalidate my feelings, especially her.

In my dream, I ran into her in some kind of cafeteria. She smiled at me and asked me to sit with her. She patted my back and said I deserved to feel proud of my time with the team and my skills. She didn't apologize. But it was like, she could be human to me despite what happened.

Do I think she'd be this way to me if I came to her in real life? Not even remotely. But as Cinderella says, a dream is a wish your heart makes. And this was my subconscious telling myself, with her voice and face, that I deserved to feel proud. I was a derby skater, I bouted. And nothing she said or did can take that away.

She sure tried. She and our coach left me off a short roster, saying they'd rather skate short than skate with me, but they sent the other team the roster with my name on it. So everyone from that team, skaters I knew, thought I was supposed to be skating, because duh, I was on the roster. Not to mention her "pep" talk. Let's just say, she has no business giving anyone a pep talk.

But I prefer the dream version of her.

September Grades

September is over. How'd I do on my goals?

13 lyra sessions. Mon/Thu/Sat	I missed one, sort of. Got 12.5 sessions. That Monday where only the low hoop was available, left after 20mins. Went the next day, Tuesday, but skipped Thursday. I did about 20mins of hooping, instead. I'm glad I adjusted and did SOMEthing. Was back at it by Saturday. I'd give myself an A for this goal.
Dial in diet. Weigh myself at the end of Sep. Measurements, too.	My diet was ON POINT, except for the couple of days after vacation at the beginning of the month. I've gained since last time I weighed myself, and after a month of diligent dieting and no booze, I'm still up a couple pounds. Enough to put me back in the obese BMI category. Fuck BMI. Measurements have not changed. I took progress photos but haven't looked at them yet. A-
No drinking the adult beverages.	I had wine on Saturday, Sep 30, but otherwise, September has been dry A+
Walking. I need to up my NEAT. 4x/week.	There were 17 planned walks, I missed 5, in the beginning of the month when my a/c was broken. I'd say this is quickly becoming a habit of mine. solid B+
Hooping. 2x/week. Sun/Wed	There were 8 total. I missed 4. However, I hooped 2 other days this month besides Sun & Wed. This obvs needs work. I'll revise this goal for October. D
Social Media break.	Yep, did well on this. Amazed how much I don't miss it. If someone forgets to reply to my message, then I'll just move on.

Okie dokie, let's plan some goals for October, shall we?

• stretch & strengthen bendy video once/week on Sundays
• hoop 3x/week for 10-20mins followed by pullup bar work (Sun/Wed/Fri)
• finish high hoop practice goals 
• no drinking except: Oct 14, Oct 28, Oct 30 (bookclub)
• finish scrapbooking projects
• lyra: twice this month, back to back mon/tue sessions 
• no weighing until Oct 27 (last Friday of the month)