I dreamt last night about my former derby captain. She was horribly cruel to me earlier this year. She probably doesn't think so, in fact told me so, in a very cruel manner, in front of others who simply looked the other way. But I won't let anyone invalidate my feelings, especially her.
In my dream, I ran into her in some kind of cafeteria. She smiled at me and asked me to sit with her. She patted my back and said I deserved to feel proud of my time with the team and my skills. She didn't apologize. But it was like, she could be human to me despite what happened.
Do I think she'd be this way to me if I came to her in real life? Not even remotely. But as Cinderella says, a dream is a wish your heart makes. And this was my subconscious telling myself, with her voice and face, that I deserved to feel proud. I was a derby skater, I bouted. And nothing she said or did can take that away.
She sure tried. She and our coach left me off a short roster, saying they'd rather skate short than skate with me, but they sent the other team the roster with my name on it. So everyone from that team, skaters I knew, thought I was supposed to be skating, because duh, I was on the roster. Not to mention her "pep" talk. Let's just say, she has no business giving anyone a pep talk.
But I prefer the dream version of her.
Showing posts with label derby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label derby. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Homework
An unfortunate similarity between derby and lyra. With derby, I had assessments. Dreaded minimum skills. Prevented me from bouting until I could pass those fuckers. With lyra, I have inversions. They're keeping me from taking intermediate classes. I miss classes sometimes. Fundamentals is a mixed level class, so I slipped into comparing myself to others, and always came up short. So short. Even like brand new students seemed better at it than I was, after months of classes. This private track program, with my solo practice time, and learning some intermediate moves during my private lessons, has been amazing. It's what has kept me here. I would have left ages ago if my only options were fundamentals classes, with only fundamentals moves.
But intermediate classes, we all work on the same moves, that layer upon each move, week by week. I think I would enjoy that more. Sure there might be some students who pick something up quicker than I. But we're all working on the same stuff. And socializing. I miss it. It's lonely sometimes at practice time. I'm lonely, period. I don't have anyone to talk to, except hubs. But he's not a girl. I miss girls.
Inversions are like my assessments. And it sucks.
I had my private lesson today. Learned a new pose by request, a pose actually not in my teacher's list of studio skills, she told me. But I lack the full flexibility in my hamstrings to really get into position. Homework.
More homework with straddle. I'm not allowed to cinch anymore. Basically, I'm to work on half straddles, getting into straddle, but not mounting. I am cinching too quickly. I don't think my teacher realizes how heavy my backside is. She believes I'm strong enough to push further into the straddle and stay there a few beats longer before cinching my knees. I disagree. I know how heavy my body is, and it basically falls into knee cinch. But ok, homework. When I work on straddle, I won't allow myself to cinch my knees.
But intermediate classes, we all work on the same moves, that layer upon each move, week by week. I think I would enjoy that more. Sure there might be some students who pick something up quicker than I. But we're all working on the same stuff. And socializing. I miss it. It's lonely sometimes at practice time. I'm lonely, period. I don't have anyone to talk to, except hubs. But he's not a girl. I miss girls.
Inversions are like my assessments. And it sucks.
I had my private lesson today. Learned a new pose by request, a pose actually not in my teacher's list of studio skills, she told me. But I lack the full flexibility in my hamstrings to really get into position. Homework.
More homework with straddle. I'm not allowed to cinch anymore. Basically, I'm to work on half straddles, getting into straddle, but not mounting. I am cinching too quickly. I don't think my teacher realizes how heavy my backside is. She believes I'm strong enough to push further into the straddle and stay there a few beats longer before cinching my knees. I disagree. I know how heavy my body is, and it basically falls into knee cinch. But ok, homework. When I work on straddle, I won't allow myself to cinch my knees.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
What Derby Gave Me
I thought it would be helpful to focus on what derby brought to my life, rather than get mired down in regretting that I'd ever put on quad skates.
- Got me in shape. Seriously. When I first started years ago, my endurance was shit. Someone recommended C25k. I kept getting stuck around week 4/5, so I just decided to run intervals. And running intervals does wonders for my depression. Plus, now my endurance is decent. I know I'm not going to die.
- Confidence to wear quirky outfits. It opened up a world of cute leggings, tights, booty shorts, colors, and the confidence to rock them. Wear whatever the fuck you want!
- Hooping. I'm not sure I would have found it (again). As a teenager, I had a cheap hoop, and would have my mom time me to see how long I could waist hoop. I could go for ages. But it never occurred to me to do anything more with it. When I was skating with that rec league in 2015, I was researching ways to improve my core. And hooping came up.
- Thus Lyra. If I hadn't found hooping, would I have found Lyra? I'm not sure. Certainly not when I needed it the most. Lyra is fixing what derby broke.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Destiny
"You see, one's destiny is a very complicated thing. Every incident
in a person's life affects everything else that follows it."
Let's talk about my destiny. My biggest, most important life event was marrying W. If I hadn't moved to CT from GA, all on my own, I never would have wound up in NC. That is a nutshell of a much more complicated story. But still. I never would have met W if I hadn't made that painful move to CT. I shudder to think.
But on another note, let's talk about my old friend Nancy. She and I met online years ago and instantly hit it off. She was a roller derby skater, I was a figure skater. She passed away suddenly from a blood clot in her leg. She was the inspiration behind going to my first roller derby bout, just to see what it was she did on skates. And I came away from that bout wanting to do it, too.
I won't get into the sob story that is my derby career. But suffice to say, derby got me in shape. Or more accurately, I got myself into shape hoping I would be good at derby. Derby got me into hooping. I did rhythmic gymnastics as a child, hoop is one apparatus. Also I have memories of trying to break records for amount of time waist hooping in high school. But hoop dance never occurred to me. What got me into hooping was researching ways to work your core, all for derby. I bought my first weighted hoop and simply did waist hooping as cardio for many months. I needed ways to make it more challenging after awhile, and that's when I discovered hoop dance.
Fast forward a bit, hoop dance helped me find Lyra. Just searching for ways to dance inside the hoop. And conveniently, there's an aerial place that teaches Lyra locally. It coincided a bit with my decision to finally leave derby behind me. If I were still skating derby, I wouldn't be able to devote as much time to Lyra.
There you have it. I can thank Nancy for it all along.
Let's talk about my destiny. My biggest, most important life event was marrying W. If I hadn't moved to CT from GA, all on my own, I never would have wound up in NC. That is a nutshell of a much more complicated story. But still. I never would have met W if I hadn't made that painful move to CT. I shudder to think.
But on another note, let's talk about my old friend Nancy. She and I met online years ago and instantly hit it off. She was a roller derby skater, I was a figure skater. She passed away suddenly from a blood clot in her leg. She was the inspiration behind going to my first roller derby bout, just to see what it was she did on skates. And I came away from that bout wanting to do it, too.
I won't get into the sob story that is my derby career. But suffice to say, derby got me in shape. Or more accurately, I got myself into shape hoping I would be good at derby. Derby got me into hooping. I did rhythmic gymnastics as a child, hoop is one apparatus. Also I have memories of trying to break records for amount of time waist hooping in high school. But hoop dance never occurred to me. What got me into hooping was researching ways to work your core, all for derby. I bought my first weighted hoop and simply did waist hooping as cardio for many months. I needed ways to make it more challenging after awhile, and that's when I discovered hoop dance.
Fast forward a bit, hoop dance helped me find Lyra. Just searching for ways to dance inside the hoop. And conveniently, there's an aerial place that teaches Lyra locally. It coincided a bit with my decision to finally leave derby behind me. If I were still skating derby, I wouldn't be able to devote as much time to Lyra.
There you have it. I can thank Nancy for it all along.
Friday, March 31, 2017
Derby Decision
I've decided to go on leave of absence from derby. I'm just overwhelmed with criticism and dark anxiety, I can't go on like this. I want to help the team, not bail on my other duties. I just need a break from skates for awhile. Not a total break. I fully intend to pursue hoopskating. I love being on skates. This might be right up my alley.
Leave of absence is 90 days. I should know by then whether I miss derby and want to return or whether it's time to move on with my head held high. Perhaps during this time, with the pressure off me, I can be myself around them. It's kind of hard to get to know the real me when I'm trapped in anxiety hell.
Leave of absence is 90 days. I should know by then whether I miss derby and want to return or whether it's time to move on with my head held high. Perhaps during this time, with the pressure off me, I can be myself around them. It's kind of hard to get to know the real me when I'm trapped in anxiety hell.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Positivity
Practice last night was the best I've had in a long time. And I mean, a long time. I felt like something had changed a bit. Coach was being way positive with everyone, pointing out the things they did well, even me. Teammates were trying to be positive with others. And I felt this clicking where I just kept doing well, kept getting hi-fives, everyone else seemed to be feeling the positivity, too.
This is what I want for this team. I know mistakes happen, and they need to be corrected. But just think how much more amazing we'd become if we were shown all the things we do well, rather than all the things we fuck up? The motivation that comes with positive reinforcement really can't be beat.
We have a bout on Sunday. My first HOME bout. With my very own jersey. I'm excited and nervous. I might even go to the after party to celebrate with the team. I don't care if we win or lose. I'm finally playing derby. I'm finally having moments on the track where I'm super effective. Am I still a shit show sometimes, yea. Am I still hella anxious at the very idea of taking the jammer panty, fuck yea. Am I still feeling weird and excluded by most members of the team, definitely yea.
But I'm a derby skater. No one can take that away from me. I finally did it. After all these years.
This is what I want for this team. I know mistakes happen, and they need to be corrected. But just think how much more amazing we'd become if we were shown all the things we do well, rather than all the things we fuck up? The motivation that comes with positive reinforcement really can't be beat.
We have a bout on Sunday. My first HOME bout. With my very own jersey. I'm excited and nervous. I might even go to the after party to celebrate with the team. I don't care if we win or lose. I'm finally playing derby. I'm finally having moments on the track where I'm super effective. Am I still a shit show sometimes, yea. Am I still hella anxious at the very idea of taking the jammer panty, fuck yea. Am I still feeling weird and excluded by most members of the team, definitely yea.
But I'm a derby skater. No one can take that away from me. I finally did it. After all these years.
Monday, January 16, 2017
0-4
That's my record. I'm not an ultra competitive person. But I'm kinda feeling like bad luck for whatever team I'm on. I'm the reason we lose. I know I shouldn't think that. Tell that to my brain. Go ahead. I'll wait.
Here's the thing, when I watch derby, it LOOKS fun. And I had fun at my first bout, legit fun. At the holiday bout, I mostly had fun. I wish I'd played better. But I had fun overall.
Did I have fun yesterday at our invitational? No. Not really. Thursday's meltdown was still plaguing me. I was ashamed to show my face, to put skates on. At least neither coach made any attempt to get me to take that stupid jammer panty.
I skated terribly in the first game. Game 2 was co-ed, so I sat out. I FEEL like I skated better, with more intensity, in game 3. I took some hard falls, some at the hands of my teammates. It happens. If I can do anything, it's fall without hurting myself.
It's taking considerable effort to focus on the positives of yesterday's invitational. I can think of two. Both from game 3.
I do remember one particular moment, their jammer had just gotten through, so I turned around looking for my jammer. Here she comes. I locked shoulders with an opponent, attempting to hold her off so my jammer could get through. I was aware enough to stagger my legs, use my back leg toe stop to slow us down but not stop altogether (no stop block penalty). My jammer got through. I made a quick mental note to myself, that was effective.
All I want is to be effective. Reliably effective.
The very last jam I skated in, we were holding that jammer well. Someone looked at me when we lined up and said, she hits hard, be ready. So when the whistle blew, I shoved into her as she hit me. Hammer and nail. We held her for nearly a full lap, she was getting so tired. I almost felt bad for her. Then I heard my teammates panicking and shouting, panty pass! I had been looking over my left shoulder when I heard it, then I looked over my right and saw their pivot. I remember thinking, oh no they're not! And shoved their pivot out of bounds. It helped delay the panty pass. By the time they were able, the jam was over.
My husband came for the first game. Pity he only got to see me play like crap. He took some video, but it's nothing exciting. Except I looked good in my new shiny gold shorts. Damn good.
And the feels with this photo...that's my captain holding onto me, I knock the jammer down (she fell to the inside in the next moment, this is a video screen capture), but I don't go out of bounds. #teamwork
Here's the thing, when I watch derby, it LOOKS fun. And I had fun at my first bout, legit fun. At the holiday bout, I mostly had fun. I wish I'd played better. But I had fun overall.
Did I have fun yesterday at our invitational? No. Not really. Thursday's meltdown was still plaguing me. I was ashamed to show my face, to put skates on. At least neither coach made any attempt to get me to take that stupid jammer panty.
I skated terribly in the first game. Game 2 was co-ed, so I sat out. I FEEL like I skated better, with more intensity, in game 3. I took some hard falls, some at the hands of my teammates. It happens. If I can do anything, it's fall without hurting myself.
It's taking considerable effort to focus on the positives of yesterday's invitational. I can think of two. Both from game 3.
I do remember one particular moment, their jammer had just gotten through, so I turned around looking for my jammer. Here she comes. I locked shoulders with an opponent, attempting to hold her off so my jammer could get through. I was aware enough to stagger my legs, use my back leg toe stop to slow us down but not stop altogether (no stop block penalty). My jammer got through. I made a quick mental note to myself, that was effective.
All I want is to be effective. Reliably effective.
The very last jam I skated in, we were holding that jammer well. Someone looked at me when we lined up and said, she hits hard, be ready. So when the whistle blew, I shoved into her as she hit me. Hammer and nail. We held her for nearly a full lap, she was getting so tired. I almost felt bad for her. Then I heard my teammates panicking and shouting, panty pass! I had been looking over my left shoulder when I heard it, then I looked over my right and saw their pivot. I remember thinking, oh no they're not! And shoved their pivot out of bounds. It helped delay the panty pass. By the time they were able, the jam was over.
My husband came for the first game. Pity he only got to see me play like crap. He took some video, but it's nothing exciting. Except I looked good in my new shiny gold shorts. Damn good.
And the feels with this photo...that's my captain holding onto me, I knock the jammer down (she fell to the inside in the next moment, this is a video screen capture), but I don't go out of bounds. #teamwork
Friday, January 13, 2017
Meltdown
I don't know what to do. I'm never going to be any good at this stupid sport. Here she goes again, having a meltdown on the track. It's not exactly what I wanted to be known for. I don't want to skate on Sunday. I definitely don't want to jam. And I really don't want to skate both scrimmages. I'm committed to the team, committed to the board, for the entire year. But I don't want to skate anymore.
Scrimmage last night, I was a mess. It’s been too long. It’s been a freaking month. I’m going to embarrass myself on Sunday. I don’t even want to skate now. And then, jammer panty. I don’t know why I keep trying with this. I’m not getting any better. I sometimes get worse. It was awful. I just started crying right there on the track, pushing and pushing and getting no fucking where. We had just talked about how if you’re in trouble, to pass the panty to the pivot and right before I might have, she got a penalty. There goes my pivot. My brain just shut down. It felt like it lasted forever. It was humiliating. I can't even begin to describe how humiliated I felt.
When it was over, I skated as far away as I could get and cried. Then someone came over, and I just lost it. I needed a hug so I grabbed her and hugged her. I couldn’t speak, I was hiccupping and crying. Coach came over and just tried to say we’re knocking the rust off everyone. Right. NO ONE is as rusty as I am. NO ONE. Because I’m already bad. My paranoia about if I miss just one practice, I’ll lose my skills…well I’ve missed a lot of scrimmaging. Not missed because it hasn’t happened. But same essential thing. I’m not ready for Sunday.
Then this morning, my friend texted me. She found out that jam I was jammer in…Coach let it go for FOUR minutes. No wonder it felt like it would never end. That's just cruel, to let it go that long when I'm so visibly upset. Well shit. But the damage has been done. I really don’t want to skate. I committed to the board, so I won’t back out. But I don’t want to skate.
Scrimmage last night, I was a mess. It’s been too long. It’s been a freaking month. I’m going to embarrass myself on Sunday. I don’t even want to skate now. And then, jammer panty. I don’t know why I keep trying with this. I’m not getting any better. I sometimes get worse. It was awful. I just started crying right there on the track, pushing and pushing and getting no fucking where. We had just talked about how if you’re in trouble, to pass the panty to the pivot and right before I might have, she got a penalty. There goes my pivot. My brain just shut down. It felt like it lasted forever. It was humiliating. I can't even begin to describe how humiliated I felt.
When it was over, I skated as far away as I could get and cried. Then someone came over, and I just lost it. I needed a hug so I grabbed her and hugged her. I couldn’t speak, I was hiccupping and crying. Coach came over and just tried to say we’re knocking the rust off everyone. Right. NO ONE is as rusty as I am. NO ONE. Because I’m already bad. My paranoia about if I miss just one practice, I’ll lose my skills…well I’ve missed a lot of scrimmaging. Not missed because it hasn’t happened. But same essential thing. I’m not ready for Sunday.
Then this morning, my friend texted me. She found out that jam I was jammer in…Coach let it go for FOUR minutes. No wonder it felt like it would never end. That's just cruel, to let it go that long when I'm so visibly upset. Well shit. But the damage has been done. I really don’t want to skate. I committed to the board, so I won’t back out. But I don’t want to skate.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
Back on the Track
Back on the track last night. Felt good. We've got annual re-assessments coming up, so we worked on a lot of those skills. Dammit, I have to do this again. I JUST did it. Oh well. My grapevines and shuffle steps, I'm the slowest of the slow. But at least coach kept repeating that speed isn't a factor, good form is all he's looking for. I just am amazed how much faster everyone is at these vs me.
27 laps as a pack. I do love this. It's intense, it's grueling. But it's comforting. I don't stress about the time, I just stay with the pack. I can't go any faster than the pack. If I struggle to keep up with the pack, they slow for me. Sometimes we hold hands. It's very kumbaya. We got 5:23.
Then we worked on weaving through cones. Man, this skill. I didn't pass it originally. I've been coming to all the fresh meat practices in December, still couldn't get it under 6 seconds. I tried it and got 6.29 seconds. Darnit. Coach gave me some tips on form, which I thought I was doing, obvs not. But I didn't argue. I'm working on that. They see what I don't. It doesn't matter that I was actively trying to do just that. I wasn't doing it. And there's no point in arguing or whining that, I'm trying! or any of that. Tried it again and was told I had much better form. But my time was 6.35 seconds. I'm slower! I was starting to get discouraged, trying hard to remind myself that I could offset this skill by kicking ass on other skills. I only needed an average score of 3.0. But I still...I wanted to get this. I tried one last time. I really focused on form, I tried to be fast, it didn't feel any different. My time was 5.87 seconds. WAHOO!
Working on leaning with a strong skater, she doesn't intimidate me as much. I've sort of figured out how to deal. I was really jostling, trying to get my shoulder in front, trying to step across her. I was successful once, very successful, and coach happened to be watching. It was like picture perfect derby. And he joked with me, remember a few months ago when you "couldn't do that." Yea, he's an asshole. Good thing he's a likeable asshole.
After practice, the captain wanted some of us to work on a new strategy, and I got roped in. I was tired. So we're mock scrimmaging, this ref is on the other team and goes in to hit me. I don't move. He says, you are a lot more solid. Thanks! We try the run through again, and again, he goes in to shove me out of the way, and I don't go anywhere. He stops and says, can I just say you are like 1000% more solid. It was nice to have someone pay such a compliment. He's good people.
Maybe I'll even roster a home game or two this season...
27 laps as a pack. I do love this. It's intense, it's grueling. But it's comforting. I don't stress about the time, I just stay with the pack. I can't go any faster than the pack. If I struggle to keep up with the pack, they slow for me. Sometimes we hold hands. It's very kumbaya. We got 5:23.
Then we worked on weaving through cones. Man, this skill. I didn't pass it originally. I've been coming to all the fresh meat practices in December, still couldn't get it under 6 seconds. I tried it and got 6.29 seconds. Darnit. Coach gave me some tips on form, which I thought I was doing, obvs not. But I didn't argue. I'm working on that. They see what I don't. It doesn't matter that I was actively trying to do just that. I wasn't doing it. And there's no point in arguing or whining that, I'm trying! or any of that. Tried it again and was told I had much better form. But my time was 6.35 seconds. I'm slower! I was starting to get discouraged, trying hard to remind myself that I could offset this skill by kicking ass on other skills. I only needed an average score of 3.0. But I still...I wanted to get this. I tried one last time. I really focused on form, I tried to be fast, it didn't feel any different. My time was 5.87 seconds. WAHOO!
Working on leaning with a strong skater, she doesn't intimidate me as much. I've sort of figured out how to deal. I was really jostling, trying to get my shoulder in front, trying to step across her. I was successful once, very successful, and coach happened to be watching. It was like picture perfect derby. And he joked with me, remember a few months ago when you "couldn't do that." Yea, he's an asshole. Good thing he's a likeable asshole.
After practice, the captain wanted some of us to work on a new strategy, and I got roped in. I was tired. So we're mock scrimmaging, this ref is on the other team and goes in to hit me. I don't move. He says, you are a lot more solid. Thanks! We try the run through again, and again, he goes in to shove me out of the way, and I don't go anywhere. He stops and says, can I just say you are like 1000% more solid. It was nice to have someone pay such a compliment. He's good people.
Maybe I'll even roster a home game or two this season...
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Twas the Fight Before Christmas
Well, I finally got to skate this. I went as a spectator four years ago. And have wanted to do it since. This was my chance. It was fun. I was nervous. I played well the first half, maybe not so well the second half. I'm hoping the photographer there will post some nice photos. Meantime, husband got these shots and video. It was his first time ever seeing me skate.
My first jam. I got goated. Guess I'll be practicing as jammer more often, to get better at getting through. But one of them got a multi player block while goating me. I legit said, BYE, as she skated off. Trash talk much?
One of the jams, I was pivot. And I got sent to the penalty box. I've never experienced this. Our practice scrimmages, we don't have a full bout production with refs and NSOs, so our penalty box is a carpet lap. And at my first bout, I didn't get sent to the box.
And to continue, the jam started with me in the box. I got some good hits to the jammer without going out of bounds. Even when the other team did a panty switch. That #69 is some amazing jammer. Is she B team material? HAHA not even close. But my guess is we didn't have a full roster of true B team skaters. Also, I get low blocked in this. The refs don't see it. And that voice you can hear hollering, "LOW BLOCK" from the fans? That's my lovely teammate. She skated on A team.
And then there was this little gem against us. Impressive. Definitely some A level badasses showing off. Hell, I would too.
My first jam. I got goated. Guess I'll be practicing as jammer more often, to get better at getting through. But one of them got a multi player block while goating me. I legit said, BYE, as she skated off. Trash talk much?
One of the jams, I was pivot. And I got sent to the penalty box. I've never experienced this. Our practice scrimmages, we don't have a full bout production with refs and NSOs, so our penalty box is a carpet lap. And at my first bout, I didn't get sent to the box.
And to continue, the jam started with me in the box. I got some good hits to the jammer without going out of bounds. Even when the other team did a panty switch. That #69 is some amazing jammer. Is she B team material? HAHA not even close. But my guess is we didn't have a full roster of true B team skaters. Also, I get low blocked in this. The refs don't see it. And that voice you can hear hollering, "LOW BLOCK" from the fans? That's my lovely teammate. She skated on A team.
And then there was this little gem against us. Impressive. Definitely some A level badasses showing off. Hell, I would too.
Action shots! I'm the one wearing the gold helmet.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Rookie of the Year
Last night was our Team Christmas Party. Awards were given out. As they were being read, I began to lose hope I would get one. I tried to console myself. It's OK. I'm new. Most people don't know me well. Sure, I never miss practice (side-eyeing husband's birthday as the only missed practice). But it's OK. Breathe.
Then I heard Rookie of the Year. Ramblin' Roxy. Wait, that's my name! I was floored. Overwhelmed. I went from one extreme to another, disappointment to elation. And my emotions couldn't handle it. I kept it together until the end but then had to go find a back room full of coats to have a good cry in. I was verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
And yes, there's a misspelled word. I find it hilarious. There are all sorts of memories that'll be wrapped up in that one misspelled word. And each time I look at it, I'll be reminded of that night.
Then I heard Rookie of the Year. Ramblin' Roxy. Wait, that's my name! I was floored. Overwhelmed. I went from one extreme to another, disappointment to elation. And my emotions couldn't handle it. I kept it together until the end but then had to go find a back room full of coats to have a good cry in. I was verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
And yes, there's a misspelled word. I find it hilarious. There are all sorts of memories that'll be wrapped up in that one misspelled word. And each time I look at it, I'll be reminded of that night.
Monday, December 12, 2016
still got it
Fresh meat practice last night. Meant to work on assessments skills. I'm glad I went. I could always use a refresher, since I'll have to re-assess in January. And that holiday bout is on Saturday. I needed the confidence boost.
Last time I attempted 27 laps in 5mins was July. That was toward the beginning of practice, after the warmup. And there were three of us on the track. I didn't have to pass anybody really.
Last night, after two hours of practice, coach decides we're going to try 27 in 5. Oy. I feel a panic bubbling inside. I didn't want to do it. In fact, the only other veteran skater there that night decided she didn't want to. She timed my laps instead.
I got 4:54. Woot! At first, I was like, darn I'm slower even with my new skates. Then I looked at the clock and realized we'd already been practicing for two hours. Not too shabby! Still got it.
I'm going to need to tap into some confidence from the last scrimmage a few weeks ago and last night, for Saturday. I'm hella nervous.
p.s. According to my attendance tracker (yes, I keep track of these things), last night was my 40th official practice with the league. I'm not counting cancelled practices or bouts or events. Actual practices.
Last time I attempted 27 laps in 5mins was July. That was toward the beginning of practice, after the warmup. And there were three of us on the track. I didn't have to pass anybody really.
Last night, after two hours of practice, coach decides we're going to try 27 in 5. Oy. I feel a panic bubbling inside. I didn't want to do it. In fact, the only other veteran skater there that night decided she didn't want to. She timed my laps instead.
I got 4:54. Woot! At first, I was like, darn I'm slower even with my new skates. Then I looked at the clock and realized we'd already been practicing for two hours. Not too shabby! Still got it.
I'm going to need to tap into some confidence from the last scrimmage a few weeks ago and last night, for Saturday. I'm hella nervous.
p.s. According to my attendance tracker (yes, I keep track of these things), last night was my 40th official practice with the league. I'm not counting cancelled practices or bouts or events. Actual practices.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Parade
I finally got to skate in a parade! I have wanted to do this for years, back when I first started derby. But with that league, you had to have passed assessments in order to skate. The league I'm with now probably would have let me had I not officially passed. But I've passed, so...
It was tough. Well, the toughest bit was getting down the parking lot of the church onto the street, since it was so steep. Once on the street, I was fine. Except my wheels are super soft, like 62s. Each stroke was very sticky and really worked my glutes and thighs. A harder wheel probably would have been easier.
It was tough. Well, the toughest bit was getting down the parking lot of the church onto the street, since it was so steep. Once on the street, I was fine. Except my wheels are super soft, like 62s. Each stroke was very sticky and really worked my glutes and thighs. A harder wheel probably would have been easier.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Feeling Positive
Two weeks! That's how long it's been since I skated. With Thanksgiving and our team "break," I have missed being on wheels. We finally had a practice last night, geared more toward our fresh meat, but the vets got some hitting time off to the side last night. I sort of had a breakthrough with a pretty big mental obstacle I've been having. And it all comes back to staying low. So cliché, I know. If there's a super strong skater, scaring me, about to hit me, if I can just stay low, she's almost not as effective. Sure, I might fall, but it's way less scary. It took a comment from a ref about my height to really get it to sink in. He can relate, he's tall too, a couple inches taller than I. He tends to just bend over when he's blocking people shorter. But that's still upright. And "blocker candy" as someone put it. I tried a few rounds as jammer, really concentrating on staying low as I got close to this blocker. She was really trying, but I wasn't falling. More importantly, I wasn't scared.
So, yay for mental breakthroughs!
After practice, some people wanted to get a bite to eat. I was feeling good, feeling happy about my derby potential, so I went along. It was a nice time. I got home far too late. Ate and drank totally off diet plan. But it was worth it.
This holiday scrimmage I signed up for is coming in a couple weeks. Then our team's invitational in January. Plus I signed up for a hooping challenge, a couple of them. I'm a bit behind on one, and another is just starting. I need to get my hoop on!
So, yay for mental breakthroughs!
After practice, some people wanted to get a bite to eat. I was feeling good, feeling happy about my derby potential, so I went along. It was a nice time. I got home far too late. Ate and drank totally off diet plan. But it was worth it.
This holiday scrimmage I signed up for is coming in a couple weeks. Then our team's invitational in January. Plus I signed up for a hooping challenge, a couple of them. I'm a bit behind on one, and another is just starting. I need to get my hoop on!
Friday, November 18, 2016
Jammer
So much news! What's that phrase, it's always darkest before the dawn? Well it's been pretty fucking dark lately. I needed a bit of light.
I really, really did not want to go to derby last night. Texted my friend when I saw she was a fucking no on the check in to give her a friendly hard time. She wasn't feeling well. So I said I had no such good excuse. Then she comes back and says she's going to come but be off skates because she just can't stand not going. We are alike in this. We just can't not go.
The first drills after the warm up were tough. Coach wants us to work more on our offense. It was really confusing me, feeling awkward. I kept thinking, I haven't even come close to mastering defense. I should do that first. He says we're playing much tougher teams next year. Wonderful. /sarcasm.
Anyway so I was starting to come unglued. A really nice skater helped me refocus. And we moved onto other drills. But not long after, coach just says he didn't have much planned for our final practice, what did we want to do? I heard some rumblings of skating games, so I just said scrimmage. I NEED scrimmage time. I'm nervous of this upcoming holiday bout. So we played.
But we weren't in our usual white/black teams. The two captains were just going to pick random teams. Lovely. I made a joke to the girl next to me that it's middle school all over again, I'll get picked last.
First captain makes her pick. Then I hear my name. I was picked first by the other captain. First! I could have kissed her. It felt so nice to be her first pick. It was so glorious, I didn't even pay attention to the next picks, I have no idea who technically got picked last.
But then we realized the teams were stacked, ours all blockers, theirs all jammers. So we needed to trade one, now we're set. So we have 10 skaters. Errybody has to jam every jam or we're short. I feel the usual nausea about scrimmaging, but this is what I need. I need to do this.
I thought about this skater when I was a newbie at the other team, whom I've always liked, was always nice to me. I remember once on scrimmage night, she said to me she always feels sick coming to scrimmage night, like she was always so nervous. But then years later, I was in the rec league, when we were allowed to come on their Thu night team practice, she was there. She was talking about how busy the league kept her and she wished she could join the rec league. I told her it was great and we were even allowed to scrimmage with the team once a month (if we passed assessments, which I had yet to do). She said that wasn't enough, she longed to scrimmage, was all she ever wanted to do.
I thought that was meaningful, that there was once a time scrimmage made her want to throw up and now it was all she longed to do. I thought about that last night, as I was feeling scared to scrimmage. Maybe one day, that'll be my story.
But I wasn't doing half bad. For me. There were several times I was aware enough to let go of the brace so as not to get a multi player (I got that penalty last week). We were holding the jammer pretty well, sometimes getting lead. I was avoiding that jammer panty like the fucking plague. They tried to give it to me once, and I was like nope. Nobody really fought me on it.
Then they wanted to give me the pivot panty. Pivot isn't a very different position from blocker, usually it's someone more vocal who can organize the rest of the blockers, but the big thing is the jammer can pass the star to the pivot if the jammer is having trouble.
I think on my second run of being pivot, the star was shoved into my hand. I didn't have time to get it on my head because I had some blockers to get through. And then somehow I did get through. So I'm skating around, finally able to put the panty on my head. And hit the blockers again. I don't get through again before the jam is called off. I was feeling sick, out of breath. I skated over and was just trying not to come apart when my captain yells at me to just stop, look at her. She said, I know being jammer puts you in a bad mood (if only that's all it was, right? a bad mood?), but that was some of the best skating I've seen you do.
So we jam a few more times. Then we're at the final jam of the night. My team were all were like, you should be jammer for the last one, it doesn't matter, it's just practice. OK fine. And guess what, yo. I got through AND I got fucking lead. AND there was no jammer immediately on my heels requiring me to call it off. I skated around as fast as I could, thinking, fuck I have to do this again? I just got through, I should be done. I don't really remember clearly, I think I got around one skater then fell. I was struggling and my team just said, Roxy call it off! Oh yea, I can do that! So I did. So I maybe got one point, I don't really know, I didn't think to ask.
And everyone is just high-fiving me. My team is telling me that's some of the best footwork they've ever seen by anyone, my mohawking and toe stop work, they said they didn't even think I knew I was doing it, it looked that natural. Coach mentions I stood up as I was coming around, when I hit the wall. I need to stay low. I feel like I'm getting better at this. But it's still a frequent critique. A highly annoying one, at that. It's my dream to have people shut up about getting low with me.
So that's that, no more scrimmage for me before the holiday bout. But I needed that shot of confidence going in. And I expect come next year, I won't be able to avoid the jammer panty anymore.
I really, really did not want to go to derby last night. Texted my friend when I saw she was a fucking no on the check in to give her a friendly hard time. She wasn't feeling well. So I said I had no such good excuse. Then she comes back and says she's going to come but be off skates because she just can't stand not going. We are alike in this. We just can't not go.
The first drills after the warm up were tough. Coach wants us to work more on our offense. It was really confusing me, feeling awkward. I kept thinking, I haven't even come close to mastering defense. I should do that first. He says we're playing much tougher teams next year. Wonderful. /sarcasm.
Anyway so I was starting to come unglued. A really nice skater helped me refocus. And we moved onto other drills. But not long after, coach just says he didn't have much planned for our final practice, what did we want to do? I heard some rumblings of skating games, so I just said scrimmage. I NEED scrimmage time. I'm nervous of this upcoming holiday bout. So we played.
But we weren't in our usual white/black teams. The two captains were just going to pick random teams. Lovely. I made a joke to the girl next to me that it's middle school all over again, I'll get picked last.
First captain makes her pick. Then I hear my name. I was picked first by the other captain. First! I could have kissed her. It felt so nice to be her first pick. It was so glorious, I didn't even pay attention to the next picks, I have no idea who technically got picked last.
But then we realized the teams were stacked, ours all blockers, theirs all jammers. So we needed to trade one, now we're set. So we have 10 skaters. Errybody has to jam every jam or we're short. I feel the usual nausea about scrimmaging, but this is what I need. I need to do this.
I thought about this skater when I was a newbie at the other team, whom I've always liked, was always nice to me. I remember once on scrimmage night, she said to me she always feels sick coming to scrimmage night, like she was always so nervous. But then years later, I was in the rec league, when we were allowed to come on their Thu night team practice, she was there. She was talking about how busy the league kept her and she wished she could join the rec league. I told her it was great and we were even allowed to scrimmage with the team once a month (if we passed assessments, which I had yet to do). She said that wasn't enough, she longed to scrimmage, was all she ever wanted to do.
I thought that was meaningful, that there was once a time scrimmage made her want to throw up and now it was all she longed to do. I thought about that last night, as I was feeling scared to scrimmage. Maybe one day, that'll be my story.
But I wasn't doing half bad. For me. There were several times I was aware enough to let go of the brace so as not to get a multi player (I got that penalty last week). We were holding the jammer pretty well, sometimes getting lead. I was avoiding that jammer panty like the fucking plague. They tried to give it to me once, and I was like nope. Nobody really fought me on it.
Then they wanted to give me the pivot panty. Pivot isn't a very different position from blocker, usually it's someone more vocal who can organize the rest of the blockers, but the big thing is the jammer can pass the star to the pivot if the jammer is having trouble.
I think on my second run of being pivot, the star was shoved into my hand. I didn't have time to get it on my head because I had some blockers to get through. And then somehow I did get through. So I'm skating around, finally able to put the panty on my head. And hit the blockers again. I don't get through again before the jam is called off. I was feeling sick, out of breath. I skated over and was just trying not to come apart when my captain yells at me to just stop, look at her. She said, I know being jammer puts you in a bad mood (if only that's all it was, right? a bad mood?), but that was some of the best skating I've seen you do.
So we jam a few more times. Then we're at the final jam of the night. My team were all were like, you should be jammer for the last one, it doesn't matter, it's just practice. OK fine. And guess what, yo. I got through AND I got fucking lead. AND there was no jammer immediately on my heels requiring me to call it off. I skated around as fast as I could, thinking, fuck I have to do this again? I just got through, I should be done. I don't really remember clearly, I think I got around one skater then fell. I was struggling and my team just said, Roxy call it off! Oh yea, I can do that! So I did. So I maybe got one point, I don't really know, I didn't think to ask.
And everyone is just high-fiving me. My team is telling me that's some of the best footwork they've ever seen by anyone, my mohawking and toe stop work, they said they didn't even think I knew I was doing it, it looked that natural. Coach mentions I stood up as I was coming around, when I hit the wall. I need to stay low. I feel like I'm getting better at this. But it's still a frequent critique. A highly annoying one, at that. It's my dream to have people shut up about getting low with me.
So that's that, no more scrimmage for me before the holiday bout. But I needed that shot of confidence going in. And I expect come next year, I won't be able to avoid the jammer panty anymore.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Get Over It
Do you ever struggle so much with something, you make yourself sick of it? That's where I am. I'm so over my whiney self. Internalizing it doesn't do any good, either. I'm almost at an impasse. A breaking point where I need to look at derby in a different light. Who cares if I suck? Who cares if I panic at the thought of those super big hits? I'm burning calories. On skates. I've struggled with my weight all my life...well, since puberty. I've never been fully successful at getting and keeping my weight down, being happy with my body. I feel I'm finally close this time. A bit more fat to lose, maybe some muscle to gain. And derby can get me there.
Last night, dare I say, was fun during the endurance portion. It's amazing how much my stamina has improved. I can totally hang with laps, with sprinting, with drill after drill of individual skills. So that's what I can cling to. That I enjoy that part. And I just need to hang in there with the rest. Maybe next year will get better, maybe we'll have more skaters show up to practice, where we can properly scrimmage, meaning we have enough skaters so that not every.single.skater has to be on the track for every.single.jam. Or worse, scrimmage short.
I signed up for the holiday bout in December. I've been wanting to do that one for years. I owe it to myself to try. My team's invitational is in January. And then bouting season begins. I doubt I'll get rostered, but at this point, I don't mind. I just want to practice. I want to enjoy practice. I want to stop complaining. I want to stop crying.
Last night, dare I say, was fun during the endurance portion. It's amazing how much my stamina has improved. I can totally hang with laps, with sprinting, with drill after drill of individual skills. So that's what I can cling to. That I enjoy that part. And I just need to hang in there with the rest. Maybe next year will get better, maybe we'll have more skaters show up to practice, where we can properly scrimmage, meaning we have enough skaters so that not every.single.skater has to be on the track for every.single.jam. Or worse, scrimmage short.
I signed up for the holiday bout in December. I've been wanting to do that one for years. I owe it to myself to try. My team's invitational is in January. And then bouting season begins. I doubt I'll get rostered, but at this point, I don't mind. I just want to practice. I want to enjoy practice. I want to stop complaining. I want to stop crying.
Friday, November 11, 2016
to quit or not to quit
Why do I play derby? I don't even know anymore. Not that I ever understood why before.
Last night was rough, so rough. I'm regressing psychologically, afraid of big hits from strong hitters. Not to disparage anyone on the team, but there are these two particularly hard hitters on our team. And I'm just...done. Their hits have the power to unglue my brain. I came apart last night but was still "needed on the track" so I continued to block, tears streaming down my face. It was mortifying. I hated every minute. How can I possibly be expected to still give 100% with tears streaming down my fucking face? Don't fuss at me for not giving it my all when I'm clearly not in a mental state to give my usual...was my fear. Of course, no one said anything. They're probably all thinking, you're such a baby, pull yourself together, grow up.
Do I really believe they're thinking that? No. But they might if I make this a habit. Won't they?
During scrimmage, I got two penalties. I was confused, I longed for clarification. But I had to skate my penalty carpet lap (our equivalent of the penalty box...good idea, tire me out before putting me back on the track, instead of letting me sit out/rest for 30 seconds). And then by the time I was done, there was no way I was going to ask for clarification. On my second penalty, I heard coach call out for people to take a water break. Great. I can't. I have to skate my lap regardless. And when I get back, it's scrimmage again. Nope. I sat out. I knew my team would be short, we only had JUST enough skaters. But nope. I needed my water break, I got cheated out of it. And I really wanted to just de-gear and go home. I didn't. I got back in the next jam. Is that an accomplishment?
I really don't understand our water break situation. I sweat like fucking niagra falls. Not even exaggerating. I lose way more fluids than anybody else. I NEED water breaks. Sometimes, I get ornery and don't even ask. I know I'm probably getting side-eyed for taking a water break without permission. But I suppose if anybody had a problem with it, they'd just say something.
My knee held up well. I've been taking ibuprofen regularly since last Thu (Sunday's practice was cancelled due to WFTDA championships). I fell on it a few times, and it definitely hurt, but nothing I couldn't push through. It wasn't that level of pain where I see stars.
My hope that once I passed assessments, my brain would cut me some slack...was delusional. I don't belong in derby. Mentally or physically. But mostly mentally. I feel like a C-team player trying to play on a team comprised mostly of A-team players.
Last night was rough, so rough. I'm regressing psychologically, afraid of big hits from strong hitters. Not to disparage anyone on the team, but there are these two particularly hard hitters on our team. And I'm just...done. Their hits have the power to unglue my brain. I came apart last night but was still "needed on the track" so I continued to block, tears streaming down my face. It was mortifying. I hated every minute. How can I possibly be expected to still give 100% with tears streaming down my fucking face? Don't fuss at me for not giving it my all when I'm clearly not in a mental state to give my usual...was my fear. Of course, no one said anything. They're probably all thinking, you're such a baby, pull yourself together, grow up.
Do I really believe they're thinking that? No. But they might if I make this a habit. Won't they?
During scrimmage, I got two penalties. I was confused, I longed for clarification. But I had to skate my penalty carpet lap (our equivalent of the penalty box...good idea, tire me out before putting me back on the track, instead of letting me sit out/rest for 30 seconds). And then by the time I was done, there was no way I was going to ask for clarification. On my second penalty, I heard coach call out for people to take a water break. Great. I can't. I have to skate my lap regardless. And when I get back, it's scrimmage again. Nope. I sat out. I knew my team would be short, we only had JUST enough skaters. But nope. I needed my water break, I got cheated out of it. And I really wanted to just de-gear and go home. I didn't. I got back in the next jam. Is that an accomplishment?
I really don't understand our water break situation. I sweat like fucking niagra falls. Not even exaggerating. I lose way more fluids than anybody else. I NEED water breaks. Sometimes, I get ornery and don't even ask. I know I'm probably getting side-eyed for taking a water break without permission. But I suppose if anybody had a problem with it, they'd just say something.
My knee held up well. I've been taking ibuprofen regularly since last Thu (Sunday's practice was cancelled due to WFTDA championships). I fell on it a few times, and it definitely hurt, but nothing I couldn't push through. It wasn't that level of pain where I see stars.
My hope that once I passed assessments, my brain would cut me some slack...was delusional. I don't belong in derby. Mentally or physically. But mostly mentally. I feel like a C-team player trying to play on a team comprised mostly of A-team players.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Superstition
Superstition time. Never fails, when I'm looking forward to practice...I have a lousy one. Like last Thursday. My stamina was off. My knee was hurting. The drills and feedback were just overwhelming. My spirit felt crushed. No more anxiety. Just melancholy.
OR...when I dread practice, it goes well. Like Sunday. Working on walls with very low attendance, which meant I had to take turns as jammer. ugh. I had a pretty good go at it. I didn't get through, hell no, I never get through. But I was strong and felt stable. I even growled. I was just mad and tapping into that to get more power, I guess. That's my theory.
Another round as jammer, they wanted me to come in hot, so they made me back way up. meep. I guess the captain saw something in my face, skated over to me, looked me solid in the eyes and said, "You're a fucking strong skater. Don't skate over there as if you don't know what to do. You know what to do. Hit them hard, illegally if you have to; over time you'll learn how to make it legal." I tried not to cry. One of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
And I did. I hit the wall hard. I hit it legally. I almost got through. And then I met a powerful shoulder.
At the end of practice, another skater said to me, "you get better every practice." So yea, it was a good night.
I need to not let it go to my head, or I might start looking forward to Thursday. Can't have that...
OR...when I dread practice, it goes well. Like Sunday. Working on walls with very low attendance, which meant I had to take turns as jammer. ugh. I had a pretty good go at it. I didn't get through, hell no, I never get through. But I was strong and felt stable. I even growled. I was just mad and tapping into that to get more power, I guess. That's my theory.
Another round as jammer, they wanted me to come in hot, so they made me back way up. meep. I guess the captain saw something in my face, skated over to me, looked me solid in the eyes and said, "You're a fucking strong skater. Don't skate over there as if you don't know what to do. You know what to do. Hit them hard, illegally if you have to; over time you'll learn how to make it legal." I tried not to cry. One of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
And I did. I hit the wall hard. I hit it legally. I almost got through. And then I met a powerful shoulder.
At the end of practice, another skater said to me, "you get better every practice." So yea, it was a good night.
I need to not let it go to my head, or I might start looking forward to Thursday. Can't have that...
Sunday, October 9, 2016
My First Bout
Well that escalated quickly...I went from wanting to walk away to passing assessments to...bouting? Yep. The team was short. A last minute addition to the roster. A quick trip to the craft store for iron on numbers onto a green top that is sorta similar in color to the team's jersey. Wipe down of my wheels. Emergency kit with skate tool, gatorade, and extra duct tape. Car cleaned out (away game).
OMG! It was so fun. So.Much.Fun. I kept waiting for nerves. Had a few butterflies, but nothing bad, overall I was just giddy. Had to get up at 5am. oy. Got to the rink by 9am. Warm up at 10am. Just before the warm up, the captain pulled me aside for the best derby pep talk. She said, "so if we lose today..." And I replied, "it's my fault?" Yea, that's me attempting to be funny. She said, it is NOT your fault. Then she told me we win as a team, we lose as a team. That I'm gonna get yelled at. It's nothing about me. It's that they're out of breath, and that's the only possible volume. She knows I'm ready. She wanted me to pass assessments on Thursday so I could bout on Saturday.
My first jam was about the fourth or fifth. I remember thinking for a quick moment, this is my first jam ever, remember this. Then the whistle blew, and I don't remember much after that. A jam or two later, I do remember getting a nice hit to the opposing jammer, hitting her out. But I fell down. That's about the only highlight I can really remember.
It was just fun though. I couldn't have cared less about anyone watching me. Didn't feel embarrassed falling. We lost, though. 150 to 141. So close. We had it at the end, got the lead, but not for long. As someone said, "we won for a minute." Yep. And I didn't get sent to the penalty box once. Mostly because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
I have a team now. I'm a bouting skater. I'm no longer that girl, the girl who can't pass assessments. People can come see me bout now. Cuz I learned something really important: I can't think about who's watching me when I bout. It's all about the game. And where's the fucking jammer?
OMG! It was so fun. So.Much.Fun. I kept waiting for nerves. Had a few butterflies, but nothing bad, overall I was just giddy. Had to get up at 5am. oy. Got to the rink by 9am. Warm up at 10am. Just before the warm up, the captain pulled me aside for the best derby pep talk. She said, "so if we lose today..." And I replied, "it's my fault?" Yea, that's me attempting to be funny. She said, it is NOT your fault. Then she told me we win as a team, we lose as a team. That I'm gonna get yelled at. It's nothing about me. It's that they're out of breath, and that's the only possible volume. She knows I'm ready. She wanted me to pass assessments on Thursday so I could bout on Saturday.
My first jam was about the fourth or fifth. I remember thinking for a quick moment, this is my first jam ever, remember this. Then the whistle blew, and I don't remember much after that. A jam or two later, I do remember getting a nice hit to the opposing jammer, hitting her out. But I fell down. That's about the only highlight I can really remember.
It was just fun though. I couldn't have cared less about anyone watching me. Didn't feel embarrassed falling. We lost, though. 150 to 141. So close. We had it at the end, got the lead, but not for long. As someone said, "we won for a minute." Yep. And I didn't get sent to the penalty box once. Mostly because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
I have a team now. I'm a bouting skater. I'm no longer that girl, the girl who can't pass assessments. People can come see me bout now. Cuz I learned something really important: I can't think about who's watching me when I bout. It's all about the game. And where's the fucking jammer?
