Do you ever struggle so much with something, you make yourself sick of it? That's where I am. I'm so over my whiney self. Internalizing it doesn't do any good, either. I'm almost at an impasse. A breaking point where I need to look at derby in a different light. Who cares if I suck? Who cares if I panic at the thought of those super big hits? I'm burning calories. On skates. I've struggled with my weight all my life...well, since puberty. I've never been fully successful at getting and keeping my weight down, being happy with my body. I feel I'm finally close this time. A bit more fat to lose, maybe some muscle to gain. And derby can get me there.
Last night, dare I say, was fun during the endurance portion. It's amazing how much my stamina has improved. I can totally hang with laps, with sprinting, with drill after drill of individual skills. So that's what I can cling to. That I enjoy that part. And I just need to hang in there with the rest. Maybe next year will get better, maybe we'll have more skaters show up to practice, where we can properly scrimmage, meaning we have enough skaters so that not every.single.skater has to be on the track for every.single.jam. Or worse, scrimmage short.
I signed up for the holiday bout in December. I've been wanting to do that one for years. I owe it to myself to try. My team's invitational is in January. And then bouting season begins. I doubt I'll get rostered, but at this point, I don't mind. I just want to practice. I want to enjoy practice. I want to stop complaining. I want to stop crying.
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