Trying

Where do I even start? Last night's practice was the best practice ever!

It started off with an uh oh. First drill, coach suggested I sit out. I'm not going to argue. But uh oh, is this how all of practice will go, I wonder? Next, mostly endurance drills in groups, pushcarts, that sort of thing. Some booty blocking, which I wasn't doing too badly at, if I do say so myself. Wall plow drills. The skaters I was grouped up with were so patient and supportive. I really feel like I was making a bit of progress. I mean, yea I still suck. But progress is progress, even if tiny.

Moving on to more contact drills. One particular round, something clicked, the stars aligned, the wall of two was holding the jammer but barely. I skated around front to brace and was communicating like a boss about where the jammer was. I saw one skater just zone into my eyes, watching me for commands rather than needing to look behind her. It rocked. And she was so stoked for me. It was an exhilarating thrill.

Then coach suggested I try jammer. meep. I was given pointers and good advice. What do I do? Fuck it up. I totally back blocked a poor girl. yikes. Coach said try again. ohhhkayy, did you not just see me illegally take out one of your skaters? Next time though I was better able to aim my hips for the little space between two skaters' hips. Everyone cheered. I kept juking as best I could. Didn't get through. But showed off some fancy footwork and got high fives all around after.

I mean, really. Assessments are in July. I dunno when still. But I'm going to take them. And find out just what I can and can't do, although I'm pretty sure what I can't do still. But I have hope, hope that I will soon, perhaps even this year, pass assessments and finally be a true member of a roller derby league. It's only been four years...

I didn't sit out any other drill. I pushed myself, past my fear, past my insecurities, past the negatron voice in my head that I'll just fuck it up. And I had a great time. I wish every practice could be this awesome. I know they won't, I'll have to work on patience with my skills but also patience with being patient, if that makes sense. It won't always be fun, I'll get frustrated, and that's OK. Just repeat to myself, it's OK to not be perfect. It's almost expected that I'll suck. As long as I'm trying.