Mental Challenges

Being back in a bouting league comes with challenges. Here am I again, on display as the worst skater. It's been four years of being the worst. It takes its toll. I had another rough practice last night. Not as rough as a couple weeks ago, full on panic attack, those are fun. I felt the stirrings of one and was able to control my breathing and bring it back down but not after it was obvious I was basically sitting out a drill. It's like a neon sign pointing at my head, girl is broken!

Driving home, it's a long drive to practice, but it allows for a lot of reflection. I am more cautious with this league than I was with my other league, mainly because I don't want to dive headfirst into an empty pool, or so the phrase goes. I'm way cautious and hesitant socially this time around. I don't want to get hurt. Emotionally. So I need to start taking it one practice at a time. I need to stop focusing on goals of passing assessments (I may never) or scrimmaging or even bouting (haha, pipe dream!).

How do I take it one practice at a time? Relive the positive moments. Blog about them. Memorialize them. I won't write about what went wrong, I'll save that for my private blog. But here, I'll write about what went well.

• I don't know what this drill is called. We're all in three lines at the jammer line. When coach blows the whistle, the two skaters on the outer lines wall up while the skater in the middle line runs forward to try to get through. I pretty much suck at this drill. As with every drill. But one round, I was the jammer. I was trying to juke...trying, ha. But somehow I found a little hole. I got a little unstable and was doing this one legged balance thing on the line but didn't go out of bounds and somehow got through the blockers. I have no idea what it looked like. But it felt good.
• Took a HARD hit during another round of this drill. Total front to front, shoulder to my chest, skater go down hard. I must've been the jammer again. But as with almost all of my falls, time sort of stands still in air for me, and I turn mid-air to make sure I fall on my thigh. It's instinctual to not brace with my hands, either. That can break wrists. I attribute this to muscle memory from ice skating and jumping. The best way to fall on ice is body twisted a bit so you land on an outer thigh, tucking your head and not using your hands. I'm always slow to get up cuz I'm fat. But it didn't hurt at all. Dazed me a bit, sure.
• 27 laps in 5 mins as a pack. Toward the end, I was struggling. But I never got more than about 5-10 feet from the front of the pack. I hung in there. I am not the slowest. I may be the only one standing around when they scrimmage, but I'm not the slowest. One OF the slowest, sure. But I'll take it.
• Working with big sister before practice, we worked on form. I think I'm finally learning what low feels like. And I can lean a bit further forward without thinking I'm gonna get fussed at like at my former league. My toes, knees, boobs, and nose should be aligned. And it felt better to bend low in my knees and also lean a bit forward, felt way more stable.
• Backwards crossovers are much improved from one session. I'm not surprised, not trying to brag. I am an ice skater. Backwards crossovers are the thing in ice skating, hello. But on wheels, it's tough and scary and awkward. It took several laps around before I could feel the underpush. And once I did, whoa speed. That was scary, to feel that surge in speed going backwards. A few more laps, and it didn't feel as scary. It won't be long before these are second nature, like they are for me on ice. Man, I miss the ice.

And there you have it. I need to make this a regular thing, focus on what went well, surely SOMEthing will go well at practice, right?