Rough

I wish I had anything good to report about practice on Sunday. I don't. Assessments didn't happen like I thought, so all week the anxiety was for naught. And then I had a massive panic attack, working on a drill that's essentially an assessment skill. It took forever to calm my breathing down. I tried everything. Sitting out. Skating by myself off to the side. Taking off my skates and stepping outside for a few minutes. I was just done. I could not get out of my own head. I worried which would be worse: leaving or just watching scrimmage. I decided to watch. But then stressed about how that made me look, did I look like a slacker, I was being ridiculous. Knowing I'm being ridiculous doesn't make it any easier to STOP being ridiculous. I left a bit early, just quietly de-geared and walked out.

Yesterday, I messaged my "big sister." I felt awkward, opening up to someone I barely know, these are feels I share only with close friends, it takes time to become close friends with someone. But I needed someone who could maybe understand a bit of what I'm going through. I don't want to quit. I know I'll regret it. But I'm tired of coming away from practice in tears. It's no one's fault but my own. And I would like to think it's not entirely my fault. Panic attacks are miserable. It's not like I want to have one.

Anyway, I'm glad I reached out to her. I gave her a brief synopsis of what's going on. She wrote back a powerful, supportive message. I'm floored by how above and beyond she went to lift my spirits. We're meeting this Thu before practice to talk in person. I think it'll really help. I know the biggest obstacle is getting out of my own head. But also, I need to know it's OK for me to sit out, that it won't look like I'm slacking or being disrespectful to practice. If I can find a way to calm myself quickly, take a short break to reset, and get back in there, I think that'll go a long way.