Discouraged

Here's the thing, I have bad days. My anxiety and depression become just too much to overcome. Yesterday's Lyra class was...not so good. I didn't get any chance to work in the higher hoop with my new mount. The teacher had me work on inverted straddle. But not from dismount. Just kept trying to kick up and falling every time. I felt like this was stupid. I mean no disrespect to my teacher. But honestly, if I can't hold the straddle position from dismount, how in the hell am I going to mount into it? It's just not going to happen. Duh!

I'm going to ask Katie on Tuesday about how much say I have in what I work on with each fundamentals class. Working on that inverted straddle, humiliating myself, just triggered all the bad thoughts. I wanted to switch and work on things I'm good at, to feel better about myself, but nope...we moved onto working on extensions. Right. I couldn't even do splits as a child. This is why I got dropped from rhythmic gymnastics and ballet. I'm not naturally flexible. In fact, I'm naturally INflexible. I'm never going to be flexible enough for splits as an adult. I don't even want to bother trying. It's not going to come.

There are times when it's fun to learn/work on something new. And then there are times when I just need to work on what I can already do well. Like sequencing. I know a lot of pretty moves. I'd rather just review them, try to put them together in a sequence. I'm going to ask the teacher if I'm allowed to ask for that.

My eight week beginner course is almost done, just two more. That will leave me with my usual Thursday/Saturday with Tanya. But no classes with Katie. The pro to the Thu/Sat classes are those powder coated hoops. The Sun class, the location has metal hoops. Which are more slippery when I sweat. But I like Katie as a teacher. I feel she gets me better, my discouragement, she's more understanding and patient when I get stuck inside my own head. I just feel safer being sad around her.

I think, overall, it'll be better to go on Thu/Sun.