Disappointment

I wish I had anything good to report. I had a rough time, mentally. I'm so over this, so over the anxiety and negatron voice. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's mostly related to assessments. I've been wanting to pass minimum skills for so long, knowing I wasn't good enough. It's been this dark cloud lurking. And the closer I get to passing, the more intense I feel about it. You'd think it'd be the other way round. I'm hoping when/if I pass redos and get officially passed, that it'll pop like a balloon, and I can relax. I'll still suck, but who cares? Whenever we're doing a drill that seems remotely similar to an assessment skill, my brain says, "this is why you can't pass asssessments." And I fall apart. I sound like a basket case. I'm over it, so over my own internal drama. It's bad enough I have a bad practice, but then I'm disappointed in myself for having a bad practice.

One of the first drills, I was a hot mess of confusion. And it was nearly over, but I skipped out and bailed. Big sister came to me and basically says, I don't care if it's messy, I don't care if you cry, but try to finish every drill. And my brain goes, "NOOOOO, I've disappointed her!" I struggled to overcome that thought the entire night.

Scrimmage...man, I stupidly tried to take on one of the toughest hitters as jammer. I realized later my mistake. I was standing sideways, which meant she could hit me as hard as she could. I should have positioned myself, ass facing her. She can't hit me as hard or back block penalty. But I didn't do that. I was sideways, I knew it was gonna be bad, I just braced myself. And it was bad. I went splat. My knee pad and elbow pad dislodged. I'm scraped and bruised in places you don't want to be. My poor knee.

Gameplan. Get low, stay low. I SUCK at staying low. It doesn't matter if I can't brake, block, move. At all. Just stay low. That's my plan. And no more of this side blocking. If I'm in position to take a hit, my ass better be in her face. Figuratively speaking.