Meltdown

I don't know what to do. I'm never going to be any good at this stupid sport. Here she goes again, having a meltdown on the track. It's not exactly what I wanted to be known for. I don't want to skate on Sunday. I definitely don't want to jam. And I really don't want to skate both scrimmages. I'm committed to the team, committed to the board, for the entire year. But I don't want to skate anymore.

Scrimmage last night, I was a mess. It’s been too long. It’s been a freaking month. I’m going to embarrass myself on Sunday. I don’t even want to skate now. And then, jammer panty. I don’t know why I keep trying with this. I’m not getting any better. I sometimes get worse. It was awful. I just started crying right there on the track, pushing and pushing and getting no fucking where. We had just talked about how if you’re in trouble, to pass the panty to the pivot and right before I might have, she got a penalty. There goes my pivot. My brain just shut down. It felt like it lasted forever. It was humiliating. I can't even begin to describe how humiliated I felt.

When it was over, I skated as far away as I could get and cried. Then someone came over, and I just lost it. I needed a hug so I grabbed her and hugged her. I couldn’t speak, I was hiccupping and crying. Coach came over and just tried to say we’re knocking the rust off everyone. Right. NO ONE is as rusty as I am. NO ONE. Because I’m already bad. My paranoia about if I miss just one practice, I’ll lose my skills…well I’ve missed a lot of scrimmaging. Not missed because it hasn’t happened. But same essential thing. I’m not ready for Sunday.

Then this morning, my friend texted me. She found out that jam I was jammer in…Coach let it go for FOUR minutes. No wonder it felt like it would never end. That's just cruel, to let it go that long when I'm so visibly upset. Well shit. But the damage has been done. I really don’t want to skate. I committed to the board, so I won’t back out. But I don’t want to skate.